It’s time to start stockpiling the Sweethearts, the roses, and the memories of your past romances.
Well…not so much for the last one.
If you’re thinking to yourself that this is just another desperate girl who’s bitter that she’s still single on Valentine’s Day, you would be 100% correct.
Nah, I’m just kidding. I am single, but I’m more desperate for New York pizza than I am for a boyfriend. I may be bitter about a lot of things in my life, but the lack of romance is definitely not one of them.
My love life is not completely hopeless. I’ll have you know that on four separate occasions a boy has actually called me cute. Not “you look cute today.” I’m talking about “you look cute,” as in, you always look cute. If my life was anything like one of those cheesy romance novels, we would have immediately started dating, had a dramatic fight, gotten back together, and lived happily ever after. Fortunately, my life is not like that. I tend to react a bit differently.
1. Seventh grade, aka the absolute rock-bottom of everyone’s teenage years, was the first time I was approached by a boy. Well, not exactly. While chatting with my friends in the hallway of my middle school before class, the “most popular” girl in my grade came up to me and told me that “George Clooney” (name changed to protect privacy) thought I was cute and wanted to go on a date. I reacted like any normal pre-teen girl. I laughed, told her I didn’t believe her, and walked away.
2. I don’t exactly remember when this happened, but one day I was walking around in a store alone. A little boy and his mother were right in front of me when the boy tugged on his mom’s hand and said something I couldn’t hear. Then the mother pointed at me and said, “You think that girl’s cute?” I also don’t really remember what I did in response. I probably laughed and walked away. But what I do know is that I was at least three times that kid’s age.
3. The summer before my sophomore year of high school I had to get all 4 of my impacted wisdom teeth removed. The day after the surgery my face was ridiculously swollen and I had a giant, ugly bruise that went all the way down to my neck. It honestly looked like someone had beaten me up in a back alley somewhere. One of my friends visited me that day before driving down south to drop his friend off at college. I bade them farewell wearing a white shirt with a little smudge of blood on it because my gums hadn’t stopped bleeding along with my swollen face and massive bruise. Apparently when they were walking to the car, the guy asked my friend “who that cute girl was.” Sounds fake, but okay. To this day I still don’t believe that actually happened.
4. One of my close friends asked me to be his date for Junior Prom in high school. Of course I accepted, but apparently he misinterpreted my yes to mean we were also dating. He told people he had a girlfriend and even bought me a $50 glittery Minnie Mouse shirt which I buried in the back of my closet. It has never seen the light of day. Let it be known that my entire wardrobe is black. On Valentine’s Day he sent me a red heart which apparently meant love, making me panic. So my first reaction was to completely avoid him up until Junior Prom and try to unsuccessfully hide during the slow dance. I eventually chose to go to Senior Prom alone even though I had a free bid for a date. You learn from your mistakes.
Listen here, boys. You only have a couple of days left to confess your undying love for me so I can either laugh, walk away, not believe you, or ignore you. However, I will never turn down free chocolate.
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