Lying, cheating, and presidential sex: it’s never just been for Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton and Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon.
The following is an analysis of Richard B. Morris‘s seven founding fathers–the dirty white boys of the old White House–and their sexual congress.
It’s safe to say that George “My Teeth Aren’t the Only Thing That’s Wooden” Washington chopped down more than a few cherry trees in his army days. James Thomas Flexner writes “…he drank and gambled and (we gather) wenched as did his officers.”
Alexander “Federalist No. 69” Hamilton may have created the national bank, but he sure knew how to get a little fiscally irresponsible. Hamilton was a notorious playboy and rolled out what would be over $25,000 today in hush money to keep his affair with Maria Reynolds a secret. [1]
Secretary John “Who?” Jay may not have scored any foreign affairs, but after his treaty in 1794 everyone seemed to think that he was a real big fan of kissing some British ass.
Ben “Early to Rise” Franklin’s “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress” seems to reveal a serious thing for older women (“they are so grateful!”). It appears, however, that Franklin and his lighting rod lived contrary to his own counsel–fathering several illegitimate children with younger French Mademoiselles. [2]
John “Midnight Appointment” Adams was a full-blooded patriot who pledged his allegiance to the red wine and booze–getting John Hancock off the hook for wine-smuggling in 1770. That being said, Adams actually believed in celibacy before marriage and would endure sexless stretches as long as nine years while his work kept him away from Abigail. [3]
Thomas “Louisiana Package” Jefferson only liked to have sex with the lights off–probably because he didn’t want anyone to see what a scumbag he was.
It’s unlikely that James “Daddy of the Constitution” Madison over-exerted his congressional member; he had no biological children and was 43 at the time of his marriage. His wife Dolley, however, was known for throwing colonial ragers and was even said to have “single-handedly turned the White House into a brothel.” [4, 5]
While it may appear that the foundation of the American political system is eroding into a grotesque, corrupt, and vice-filled distortion of what it once was —fear not! The United States has been run by naughty douchebags since 1776.
Image via.
