When someone you like and trust suddenly tells you they think you resemble a famous, slightly block-headed British comedian, the sky will feel like it’s falling. That’s okay. News of this weight is hard to bear, and we all react differently. We are all human– John Oliver is too, actually– and we all go through a similar process of grappling with such life-altering information. Here are the four stages of being told you look like John Oliver:
[Note: Not everyone will experience all four, or the stages in the same order. However, it has been scientifically proven that when told they resemble a man who looks like a CGI pigeon, most people react in the following ways.]
- Denial– First, you will start to laugh. You’ll think to yourself, “My friend can’t possibly be serious!”. When you see his very serious expression, your face will fall. “No! No! No!”, you’ll think. That’s not what you see when you look in the mirror! Your nose is big, but not that big! You will refuse to accept his statement. Even when he follows it up with a nice “I mean– he’s not an unattractive man! He makes lots of people laugh!”, you still need a second opinion. So, at the dinner table you will ask your parents, “Do I look like John Oliver?”. They, of course, will respond with a confident “no!”. This will not help. They are your parents. Of course they will tell you that. You will need a third opinion, so you will put a nice Instagram poll on your finsta story, and 74% of your followers will confirm your fear: you do look like John Oliver. Sorry. You will go to bed that night convinced that everyone you love is in on some wildly mean prank. This is mainstream media; fake news.
- Despair– You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror. You will be wearing your cool button-fly pants and your hair will be brushed and you will think you look pretty. Then you will remember– no. You look like John Oliver. You will ask yourself, “What has brought such a plague upon me? My forehead?”. You will flirt with the idea of getting curtain bangs to hide the hairline that is the chief player in this comparison. You will then decide that curtain bangs will only exaggerate the issue. Instead, you will doubt the existence of God and the “miracle” of life. Enough said. You will not try to look cool and mysterious during your Zoom class. Why bother.
- Hope? Or Maybe Not– You will soon get sick of not feeling like a main character. Maybe he didn’t mean it like that! Maybe it was actually a compliment. Maybe people are actually really deeply in love with John– and therefore, you! You will go back to your finsta. This time only 40% of your followers will think that John Oliver is “very sexy”. This is not the answer you are hoping for. No matter. Instead, you will ask some cool upperclassmen. They will pause. You will read this as a refutation of the claim. But then they will say, “Wait! You look like Rashid Zia too!!”. You have never seen a picture of the Dean, so you will be wildly confused. You will google him. Really not helpful at all. To make you feel better, one of them will tell you, “John Oliver is not unattractive! And Rashid Zia… has a family!”. Great! So you don’t have to cross marriage off of the list just yet.
- Self Acceptance– Living in this emotional and psychological limbo will be tough. You will be tired and confused all the time. Have people been hiding this information from you for your whole life??? But then, you will talk to some friends and they will tell you that beautiful people sometimes have ugly features. You will find some “John Oliver Is Hot” Pinterest boards, and even a Wattpad Fanfic. You will feel lucky that you even have a celebrity look alike. You will laugh in the face of immense pain. John Oliver is funny!!! Even if he looks like a pigeon!! He has an attractive wife!! These are simple comforts, but they will be enough. It will have been a tough week. You will look in the mirror, laugh, and say: “Hi, I’m Ellie Blumberg, and it’s okay that I look like a 43-year-old man! I love that I look like John Oliver.” Fake it til you make it, babe.
You will get through this. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. Some mornings are harder than others, but I now understand that I can’t change my hairline or eye color or the fact that I dance like a dad. Yeah, I look like John Oliver (and by extension Rashid Zia), and that’s okay.
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