One often hears the phrase “exercising is important“. Unless you happen to be Linda Blair, you probably hear the phrase “exorcising is important” far less frequently. When you think exorcism, you probably think of a bad horror movie, a good horror movie, and maybe some American Horror Story season 2. I want you to envision an exorcism that requires less suspending of disbelief. I am not a religious person, but when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, the spawn of the devil might as well have taken up residence in my body. In fact, with academic stresses, and hormones, I would consider exorcism to be one of my monthly routines (just like going to the gym)!
Have you ever woken up angry? Snapped at your friend/housemate/family member for no logical reason other than they were breathing too loudly? Do you ever find yourself upset, and think “I really wish I were not in a shitty mood for absolutely no reason today?” I would put money down that every once in a while, you do.
You could punish yourself for spontaneous bouts of satanic inclinations, OR, you could follow my advice, and get an exorcism.
Ideally, you would have the Catholic church come to cleanse your soul, but Pope Francis hasn’t been returning my snapchats of late, so let’s cross that option out for now. Luckily, there are plenty of cheaper, more do-it-yourself ways to expunge the demon within! For example, you can:
- Light a bunch of candles, blare Led Zeppelin, and head bash until you’ve released all of your angst a la sexually frustrated fifteen year old whose parents “just don’t get it.” Maybe smash a couple pieces of flatware, and scream really loud for good measure.
- Treat yourself to comforting pastimes, like watching Harry Potter (and converting to paganism), and Mac and Cheese, which is clinically proven to reduce demonic possession.
- Talk about what is bugging you to a friend (and/or religious official), and get some of that evil burden off your chest.
- Take a shower, while a companion authoritatively shouts “The power of Christ compels you!”
May this advice steer you in the right direction.
Sincerely,
Lucifer, herself.
Image via Caitlin Dorman ’16.