The Definitive Holiday Gift List

As the holiday season rolls around, the people of this nation find themselves in a panic over what to buy for their loved ones. Teenagers especially have no clue and no money. But have no fear! Below I have compiled a list of cheap and easy holiday gifts for the important people in your life. Voila!

For your mom: The Rejuvenique Face Mask.

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Because nothing says “I love you, Mom, but you have wrinkles” like a mask that repeatedly shocks your face muscles into contracting. Somehow this thing is supposed to tighten the skin on your face and make you look younger. I don’t know how it works, but SIGN ME UP!

For your dad: The Slendertone System Ab Belt

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As you can probably already tell, electrocuting yourself is so in this season. So get your dad a belt that will shock his abs into contraction at random times during the day! He’ll get so buff that he’ll start wondering whether he should get that sports car after all! Don’t you just love subtle ways to tell your dad he’s overweight?

For your girlfriend: Kush – “Sleep Support for your Breasts”

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Oh my god. Who invented this? GIVE THAT MAN A NOBEL PRIZE! Finally, a pillow for my breasts! They just get so uncomfortable at night, especially when I’m sleeping on my side in a pushup bra. A simple bra just does not provide enough support to last 24 hours. I need night support, too, and I need it NOW.

For your boyfriend: The Uroclub

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Your boyfriend, he’s a guy. And guys love to golf. So he loves to golf. You know what he doesn’t love? Interrupting his game to use the bathroom. Instead, he usually empties his tank directly on the grass. Now, he can stick his penis in this fake golf club and “discreetly relieve himself.” Ladies, say goodbye to stains on your shoes from attempting the ol’ squat-n-pee! Haha, just kidding! Women are never on golf courses because women don’t golf. Silly me.

For literally anyone else: The Tiddy Bear

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Seatbelts are so awful. Before I got my “Tiddy” bear, I never used to wear them. Now that I can ride in style AND in comfort, I never get out of my car. Look how happy I am in my home-car! And how natural the bear looks! As it stops the seatbelt from digging into uncomfortable places, it also makes you look either clinically insane or like you spend way too much time on QVC. Maybe those two things are the same. Either way, this is the best gift you could ever give.

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