8:00 am — My alarm goes off. It’s “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. It is the only Neil Diamond song I know, and actually, I don’t even know if it is by him. All I know is that that’s the name that showed up when I downloaded the song off iTunes. Because I still do that. Download things off iTunes.
I must admit that I didn’t even know about this song until that episode of Glee when Puck sings it to Rachel (RIP Mark Salling). And okay, that might be uncool, but hey, who can say that their sweet a capella rendition, with its infectious “pum pum pums,” didn’t revolutionize the way we think about this absolute B O P? Good times never seemed so good!
8:01 am — Wait I think I might be talking about the song “Valerie.”
8:02 am — Wait no I’m not.
8:03 am — I change my alarm to “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.
8:20 am — I lift open my blinds. Ah, Wriston. You’re so beautiful on this spring day! Today, we have a bouncy castle, a rock wall, and an All Lives Matter protest. Never a dull day on this ole quad!
8:30 am — I search for an outfit and settle on a raggedy sweatshirt and athletic shorts, what of it! Like a good country song, I’m simple! The sweatshirt is of my state university, and it does support a sports team. My state did go red in the 2016 election, and my sports team mainly made up of black folk would be punished for taking a knee during the national anthem! I decide to wear Birkenstocks or Adidas slides (with socks), because it’s 45 degrees out and that makes sense.
8:45 am — No line at The Ratty; sweeeeeet! Gonna grab a giant plate of just hard-boiled eggs. No salt, baby! I hate spices.
8:50 am — I sit with my group of friends, and I can tell them apart.
Matt and Matt are both BEO, but only one of them can shotgun a beer. And of course, Katie and Katy are easy to tell apart — I wanna fuck Katy, and Katie gives me the answers to the Econ homework! Somehow they all do look exactly the same, regardless of gender identity. However, I still confuse the two Latina girls in my section — their names are just too hard! Ana and Laura? Come on!
9:00 am — I need to switch into a Darty outfit. It’s gonna be a wild Spring Weekend Sunday!!
9:01 am — Done. I swap my sweatshirt for a tank. “Sun’s out, gun’s out 2017.” I don’t think anything of the year, much less the design, which is two cartoon AR-15s wearing fanny packs. Second amendment, best amendment.
9:30 am — Our crew (Matt, Matt, Katy, Katie, and now Tyler) head over to John’s for a pregame. Before we go, we pour one out for Avicii.
9:45 am — The drinking commences. There is so much yummy alcohol in this backyard! Malibu rum, Jose Cuervo tequila, even Smirnoff Ices! I willingly choose Narragansett beer.
11:00 am — I’ve been drinking for so long that I have begun confessing to people that I didn’t really know any of the weekend’s artists. But I am so excited for Binder.
11:30 am — I hope he plays “Valerie.”
11:32 am — I mean “Sweet Caroline.”
11:33 am — Does he know The Killers?
12:00 pm — Fuck. “Pompeii” is playing and I am s l o s h e d. Aviici was too young to die! And he was definitely the artist behind this song.
12:30 pm — We move over to Jon’s for a pregame.
12:45 pm — The drinking continues. There is tons of delicious alcohol in this parking lot! Jack Daniels whiskey, Beefeater gin, even Angry Orchard apple cider! I voluntarily use my own two hands to drink a Narragansett beer.
12:50 pm — I’ve been dancing for so long that I have learned at least one of the choruses from this weekend’s artists. I say the “n” word liberally but only because I’m rapping!! I voted Hillary! I know it’s controversial for me as a white person to listen to rap, which is why I guess I stick to the oldies usually. And you know who is really good at the oldies? Yup, you guessed it! I am pumped.
12:55 pm — I hope he plays “Valerie.”
12:56 pm — I mean “Sweet Caroline.”
12:57 pm — Everyone knows “Mr. Brightside”, right?
12:59 pm — We walk over from Jon’s to the concert. I get tingles all over my legs just from walking by the arch. I hope he plays Piano Man.
1:05 pm — No one is in line for Dave! We are so damn lucky!
1:06 pm — I run to the front of the stage. And yes, it does look like the setup for a pretty crappy beach wedding, I’m not gonna lie. But that’s the beauty of it.
1:10 pm — Dave is out! He looks older than he did last year. His jokes are the same, though. I love it when he plays a song by my favorite reggae artist, Jason Mraz, while wearing a Marley beanie hat with dreads hanging from it. David S. Binder is a legend and he is acting very appropriately!
1:30pm — He plays “Hey There Delilah” and I’ve never raged harder. Plain White T’s can fuck me up any day of the week.
1:42 pm — Ah, yes. Binder does this hilarious thing where he reinforces the gender binary by playing the Hokey Pokey and making girls and guys do different things! Girls put their hips in, out, and shake them all around while guys do their biceps. It’s funny because girls have no biceps, only noodles for arms. And men don’t have hips, just manly thigh bones!
2:00 pm — He hasn’t played Sweet Caroline, Mr. Brightside, OR Valerie. I’ve given up on Mr. Brightside, and I am starting to get tired.
2:10 pm — HE PLAYS HEADS SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES AND I LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT!! HEADS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES?! THE MAN IS HITTING ME RIGHT WHERE IT GETS ME AKA THE SONGS MAMA AND PAPA NEVER SANG TO ME WHILE I WAS ABROAD IN THE SWISS ALPS!
2:15 pm — Okay like where’s Sweet Caroline?
2:16 pm — He plays Piano Man, and the guy who shows up as Left Shark every year and I start to cry a little.
2:18 pm — Or a lot.
2:30 pm — Damn I’ve been dancing this whole time– my legs are starting to give out! I won’t make it…I’ve gotta rest…
2:30:02 pm — He plays Green Day’s “Good Riddance” and I just GOTTA DANCE, MAN, I GOTTA!
2:45 pm — Non-stop bops. These! Are! Bangers! This man is gosh-darn talented! I LOVE YOU, DAVE!
2:50 pm — I’ve fist-bumped to every. single. song. Someone free my BICEPS from this prison!
2:51 pm — It’s here. Sweet Caroline, IT’S HERE.
2:52 pm — No it’s Valerie, it’s Valerie!!
2:54 pm — Oh baby he’s playing “Wagon Wheel!” An a n t h e m, if I ever heard one!
3:00pm — He closes out the show with The Unicorn Song. Fuck. Damn, now that I’m thinking about it, our childhood is over? and it’s making me soooo sad? I can’t wait until senior week to see him again…! :(((( Lyke, college is the peak of my life, and partying is the peak of my college life, and Spring Weekend is the peak of partying, and Dave is the peak of Spring Weekend…. so… nO, Dave, no!!! Without you… what do I have left!!!?! Just a dumb trust fund and a job lined up at Goldman Sachs? This’ll be the day that I die…This’ll be the day that I die…
3:02pm — YES he’s not done, folks! He is not done! He says he has a couple songs left in him. God bless.
3:10pm – No, no, he’s leaving!! Why, Dave, why!!
3:12 pm — HE’s back! Another encore! This man is amazing and this is probably definitely not the highlight of his career. A new chord. Wait… is that…
3:15pm — He plays Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
3:16pm — Actually, it’s “American Pie” by Don McLean. Fuck.
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