The Attack of Fake Facebook Events

Dear people who keeping attending fake events on Facebook,

Please continue doing so. I love it so much. These fake Facebook events give me life. I don’t know how this new trend started or how it spread so quickly, but I am so glad it exists. Of course there are some people who don’t seem to enjoy the fun (Harvard, what’s good?), but my friends and I are having a blast inviting each other to these silly events. The lack of proper punctuation, capitalization, and spelling in the event names give them their proper charm and appeal. Plus, who doesn’t want to lay on the floor alone while crying and eating bread? I believe I have found my true calling in life. Attending fake Facebook events.

These fake events are just too relatable. How can I resist the temptation to attend the PET EVERY SINGLE DOG event when I almost get hit by cars daily cause I’m too busy looking at a dog to finish crossing the street? If you think about it, this is just an extreme version of Heavy Petting. It’s a challenge. A lifestyle. Not for the weak-hearted. Additionally, I’m glad to know that I’m not the only person who is able to eat a whole pizza by themselves. There are approximately 3k people who are also up to the task. I’m a New Yorker. Pizza’s in my blood. Eating an entire pizza in one sitting is nothing. Call me Joey Chestnut. The list of relatable fake events is endless. Crying to Adele in bed, not putting on pants, and becoming John Cena are just a few of them. However, if there’s one event that triumphs over everything else it’s becoming the mitochondria. I want to become the powerhouse of the cell. My high school biology teacher would be so proud of me. Do it for the ATP.

Are you wallowing in self-pity? Congratulations! You no longer have to do it alone! Thanks to these fake Facebook events, you can give up on everything and avoid your responsibilities together. It comforts me to know there are thousands of people in this world who are also struggling to be a productive member of society. I appreciate this solidarity. I’m glad I’m not the only one wasting all my potential by looking up fake Facebook events instead of studying.

Speaking of studying, I am grateful for the sheer number of events dedicated to the agony that is finals period. It’s about time sad college students throughout the country join up and suffer together. Crying, eating ice cream, and taking a nap are all acceptable ways to study for exams. And the realest fake Facebook event of them all is calculating what you need on the final to pass the class and crying. About 1k people know what’s up. But fear not. The worst case scenario is we all drop out and eat as many fries as possible, which actually sounds like a good plan.

Dear people who hate that their friends keep attending fake events on Facebook,

Check out this cool event that’s happening soon! Also, just unfriend me. You won’t be missed.

Image via.