About a week ago, my good friend’s boss gave the charming, albeit slightly inappropriate, advice that “every woman should watch hardcore porn once in her life.” In the spirit of sex positivity and my friend’s creepy boss’s wishes, I cleared my schedule, microwaved some popcorn, invited over some friends, and got to work. When I discovered the “For Women” category, I must say I was skeptical but impressed. Maybe here in the dark, seedy corners of the Internet, I had finally found a place where women’s sexuality was welcomed and celebrated. Just as the glass ceiling was about to shatter, three ads for Russian brides popped up, my computer began herniating, and my expectations came back down to earth. Three bright-eyed, college-educated women threw the dice and pressed play to the seminal classic, Sex Trek: One Man Comes Where No Man Has Come Before. Below I document some of the thoughts, annotations, and very sincere concerns expressed during this one-time screening.
- “The sound quality is bogus. I can’t hear the dialogue!”
- “These puns are pretty good.”
- “The amount of pubic hair is really indicative of the time period in which this was filmed.”
- “How is this movie ‘for women?’ This girl’s boobs defy gravity and the men are old as shit.”
- “This is ruining all the Spock fantasies I had as a kid.”
- “This close-up is too close. She looks so bored.”
- “I’m not sure if this is racist or sexist, but it’s at least one of them.”
- “Is this postmodernism?”
- “That guy looks like Nicholas Cage!”
- “That is definitely postmodernism.”
- “Those moans are disingenuous.”
- “Too shiny.”
- “We can’t go back now.”
- “There’s a sequel!”
There you have it folks. “For Women” porn in all its glory. Though our appetites eventually returned and the computer viruses were slowly but surely removed, we will never go back to knowing what the world looked like before Dr. Sperm and Dr. Boney McJoy sailed into the galaxy on their Starship Intercourse. And for that, I am both deeply disturbed and incredibly grateful.
Jezebel recently ran an article detailing one woman’s viewing of the Bob’s Burger Porn Parody. To read this article, go here.
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