On Saturday, September 28, 2024, Brown University finally achieved the feat of beating Harvard at something:
…football?
The accomplishment was a prominent experience for the student body, so much so that it resulted in the regular cultural landmark of property destruction. Following Havard’s failure, Brown students rushed the Brown Stadium football field, ruining the fence in the process. For a small portion of game attendees, the mosh pit certainly served as a worthy pregame for the Boston Sweat tour show, which occurred just hours later.
The Rib spoke with several game attendees, including Kaylor Gloss, a recent alum and die-hard Swiftie.
Gloss, who left the game with the relief of knowing that her student loans would most certainly be paid off within the next month, placed over 1,989 bets of $100 in Brown’s favor. “It was the thirteenth game in the streak,” Gloss told the Rib. “Everyone knows how important that number is to Taylor. Plus, Brown just dropped to number thirteen on U.S. News’ college rank list.”
After performing an internal investigation, the Rib found that a majority of the bets that Gloss took up were all made with one person under several hundred aliases, the most notable being ‘Pisstina is Packing.’
On a completely and totally unrelated note, it is rumored that President Christina Paxson will soon be approving a 7.5% tuition increase to supplement funding for a new Brown Stadium fence. This is most certainly unrelated to several anonymous lost bets against Kaylor Gloss.
When asked about final remarks, Kaylor Gloss shared this with the Rib:
“I’m just saying, Brown is ranked thirteenth, Rhode Island was the thirteenth state admitted into the United States union, Taylor has a house here, and like, the Bears beat Harvard 31 to 28. What’s 31 backwards? Exactly. What does the football team know about Reputation (Taylor’s Version)?”
Swiftie Who Put Money on a Brown Win Because of 13 Omens Now Richest Person Alive
