Ahhh, early September. You’ve left your carefree summer glow at home and come back to college, where the scent of fresh school supplies wafts over campus like a decomposing deer in the road. There is really so much to think about at this time, but what I always find most defines my back to school experience is getting in touch with my identity as a sweat-er. If you are struggling to understand what this is, you can call to mind the chubby guy in movies who is always running behind the main characters as they flee from zombies/robots and pulling his shirt off his chest while saying “phewf.” Or my grandma, if you know her.
A major reason for this part of my identity is thanks to Brown University’s super fun initiative where they use all our money to build brand new math buildings and not to install air conditioning in the pre-existing residence halls, so they can see just how sad and desperate students will get before classes start. Early September is obviously prime time for this project since the humidity is more oppressive than Stalin and the temp’s are as hot as he was when he was young (google it).
Luckily, being a “sweat-er” is a privilege, and I have already begun to recognize the practically infinite advantages and pleasures that are afforded to me because of it.
One of my favorite bonuses is that upon encountering friends you haven’t seen all summer you don’t have to explain to them how much you have changed. At first glance they can tell that you are now gross. While in May you were tolerable, nice-looking even, and had a natural fruity scent, you are now a gross person, and that is different and valid. Better yet, your friends are jealous as hell because you don’t just sweat, you glisten– every damn day you shine bright like a diamond– you look like freakin’ Edward Cullen, you beautiful creature, and you don’t even know it.
Then, there are those sneaky confidence booster moments; you almost always feel like a hunk of lard taken out of the refrigerator and left on the counter to thaw. But when you look in the mirror you are pleasantly surprised to see the wettest, limpest, bleakest version of yourself, with no make-up and stringy hair! No lard today! Even though you may experience slight discomfort living with moisture on your body 97% of the time, this pain is completely repaid in stylistic benefits; wet is very in right now, which is a fact I know from reading lots of mens’ magazines for their intellectual value.
If you are, indeed, a sweat-er yourself, you will soon find that reminders of your sweater identity pop up in countless unexpected scenarios- all of them fun! If you are not in the midst of an “always sweating” phase, you may be surprised by the “wake up sweats” which greet you on those especially humid mornings with a tangy dew upon your pillow and inner thighs- how rejuvenating. You also may be familiar with “single stair sweating”–the bout of sweat triggered by climbing merely one stair, perhaps upon entering a classroom or mounting the step-stool you use to get on to your lofted bed. Just one step, and the holiest of waters cleanses you of your sins. “Sweating while make-upping” provides financial benefits; your new philosophy, “Why bother?” will save you hundreds on beauty products. A favorite of mine is the classic “shower sweating.” Under a deluge of water, you get the opportunity to ponder, “Is this moisture coming from the spigot, or my own body?” It can be an exciting puzzle. And don’t forget about those out of the blue, “spurred by a warm breeze sweats” that give you precocious insight into what menopause will be like. Stop hassling elder female relatives for in-detail descriptions of the transformative bodily sensations soon (not soon enough!) to come, because now you know. And if all of these scenarios are still not enough for you, there is always butt sweat. Who’s not a fan?
So, for my fellow sticky friends, all I can hope is that we remain conscious of these privileges, and use them for good. Don’t give in to the corporation, and wear your sweat with pride!
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