Last spring, on one of those beautiful sunny days when you feel like the whole world is birthday cake and tulips, I was sitting on a park bench enjoying some quality people-watching. A nice old couple walked past hand in hand. A gaggle of pre-teen girls clustered near the pond, laughing and flashing their braces at each other. Humanity in its simplest, most leisurely form. It’s my zen place, ya know? So I was in a pretty good mood when the stroller entered my vision. Anticipating a healthy dose of cuteness, I leaned forward to get a glimpse of the child. Little did I know that my life was about to be turned upside down.
The child was a boy of about three years of age—blond, striped shirt, miniature plastic Hulk in fist. He spotted me, locked his gaze with mine, and let his mouth fall slightly open in a perfectly “innocent” stare. As the stroller glided slowly past, his expression darkened and I started to see bits of my childhood flashing before my eyes. And he would not break his stare! I felt the walls of ruined sandcastles collapsing around me and I was forced to tear my eyes away, breathing hard. I had just lost a staring contest. If I was no longer Stare Master, who was I? What was my purpose? I felt lost and alone.
Losing a staring contest is a poor reflection on one’s character, eye doctor, and future marriage, so I spent the next year rigorously working to regain my champion status. In the process, I developed specialized procedures for dealing with a variety of staring contest scenarios. The following tips should help you be prepared for your next encounter:
1. Child: If parents are around, smile benignly but hold the child’s gaze. Once 15 seconds have passed, give up. Children are known to be stare-down champs because they have no filter. Clearly this child can see you for the raving lunatic you are. If no parents are in the vicinity, stare at the child with a smile on your face that will slowly but surely fade into a stone cold glare. This will send the child running away from you in tears. It’s a little cruel, yes, but this is the only way to achieve that sweet, sweet victory.
2. Movie poster: This is a tough one because the face on the poster does not share your biological obligation to blink. Still, defeat is not inevitable. Walk straight at the poster with your eyes locked with the poster’s eyes. Keep walking until your eyes cross and your nose touches the poster itself. Quickly squeeze your eyes shut, flip your body to face the other direction, open your eyes, and run away as fast as possible. No matter what you do, do NOT look back.
3. Mona Lisa: What, are you crazy? You can’t beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest. Get outta here.
4. Old person: Extreme politeness is your secret weapon here. Once you lock eyes, smile and comment on the weather. As you do so, wave your hand in a vague gesture indicating the surrounding environment. This will serve to divert the old person’s attention from your face to the sunny day/ snowy sidewalks/ sticky humidity.
5. Frenemy: In preparation for such an encounter, you should spend at least an hour each day in front of a mirror to practice your stares. With the frenemy, you must not blink or pull your gaze away before they do. Like with the old person, smile and say something harmless. But unlike with the old person, the smile should contain traces of malice layered with a few levels of irony.
6. Someone you have already alienated in some sort of irreversible way: “What are you looking at? Hmm? HMM?”
7. White-tailed deer: While keeping your gaze steady, slowly raise your hands to your face. Hold for one to three seconds, and then shout, “Bambi’s mom dies!” There’s nothing more frightening than the truth.
8. A mirror: Really? Your reflection is that mesmerizing? Okay, fine. Say, “Okay, buddy, let’s both blink on the count of three. One, two, three!” Then go ahead and blink. The face in the mirror will too. Trust me.
9. Sibling: This is a good time to bring up any embarrassing details you’ve gathered about your brother or sister over the years. Twilight obsessions, irrational fears, and third grade crushes are all excellent options. To maximize red-faced disorientation, deliver these in a loud voice and in rapid succession.