A recent increase in student-filed reports of “rattles,” “snarls,” “mirthless laughter,” and “sobs” originating from first-year closets around campus has led to Residential Life conducting independent research into the matter. Despite many residents chalking the incidents up to radiator malfunction, as is to be expected in buildings celebrating their half-centennial (if not more), the ResLife investigation has revealed the true source of the disturbance.
“We looked into the radiators—contrary to popular belief, central heating doesn’t go on for a couple weeks and everyone is left to freeze in the interim, so it couldn’t have been heating-related issues,” the lead ResLife investigator said when reached out for comment. “That being said, the buildings creak occasionally, but they certainly don’t sound like ‘muffled wailing and sniffling with Netflix stand-up echoing in the background,’ so we knew that it was most likely something supernatural.”
A hint came from an unexpected encounter—during their regular health and safety checks, ResLife reports to have stumbled on an old exam wheezing “methane,” “butane,” and “Beta, D-galactosylqueuosine.” To investigate the lead, ResLife conducted a series of interviews with the owner of the exam.
“Orgo was the hardest class I took at Brown,” said the owner. “But once you think there’s light at the end of the tunnel, there’s ANOTHER semester of it. And the lectures are always at 9 a.m..” He paused. “Could you give me a moment please?” He picked up a tissue and proceeded to hide behind it, shaking, until their phone alarm labeled “stop crying” rang. He re-emerged from behind the tissue with no traces of any emotional disturbance and was cooperative for the rest of the interview.
ResLife conducted a field survey on another room reporting noises, revealing similar haunting patterns. “No worries. This just seems like the death of my STEM-related hopes and dreams after the first science midterm I took in freshman year,” said the previous resident as they visited their old room. They nonchalantly picked up another dusty graded exam from inside the closet. “Turns out getting a 5 on AP Biology has nothing to do with how well you’re going to do in neuroscience. Who knew?”
The exam yelled out various parts of the brain as the previous occupant held it as far away from themselves as possible. “Old grades can’t hurt me now,” they whispered to the exam as they tossed it in the recycling bin. “I have new classes to be hurt by.”
When briefed with the results of the investigation, first-years currently residing in residences with haunted closets looked less than disturbed.
“I thought it was a malfunctioning radiator,” said one first-year. “I was always afraid of coming back to a room that imploded on itself, or whether it was going to blow up in my sleep—or even worse, fuck up the delicate room temperature-humidity balance I have going on with opening and closing windows at very specific times of the day. Now that I know it’s just the insecurities of the previous resident, I feel so much better about my own physical and mental health!”
