Dear group/team/homies,
I’d like to offer my sincerest apology for being such a shitty group member. There was a project that needed to be completed, and while we managed to turn it in on time, I clearly did not do my fair share of the work. I’m not usually like this. It’s the first—and only—time that this will happen, I promise! (Or at least that’s what I tell myself every time that it happens). I feel so much remorse: a really deep, soulful remorse, like you feel when you realize that you already ate the last of the chocolate ice cream and now you have to eat the strawberry. Which is probably one of the saddest things that can happen to a person. But, if you have moment, I can explain my actions.
You see, last week the dining hall didn’t have my favorite kind of cereal, and it made me so gloomy that I’ve been unable to do anything but sit in a dark room and attempt to materialize bowls of Cap’n Crunch out of thin air. My productivity levels have plummeted as a result. And just yesterday I got stuck behind a really large tour group and lost like five minutes of my day, and so I just didn’t even have time to think about the group project.
I know that we made a Google Doc and a group chat so that it would be super easy for all of us to contribute equally. Unfortunately that just isn’t structured enough for me. You see, when I was in third grade, my teacher wrote on my report card that I was “great at following directions” and this has set me up for a lifetime of being a follower and not a leader. Apparently elementary school is a cruel place that crushes children’s dreams, and so I cannot be held responsible for my inability to do work without careful instruction. I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but I do my best work when one person holds my hand and someone else rubs my shoulders and another person tells me exactly what to write. If we do it that way for the next project, then I will definitely contribute more! Although my typing will be pretty slow, since I’ll only have one free hand. Hmmm. Maybe it would be better if you just kept doing the typing?
When I’m on my own, and I open a blank, bright white Google Doc, it’s so vast and empty that I can’t help but feel intimidated, and I often get lost in a vortex of complex emotions, questioning my existence and what lies beyond the universe. (Can you tell that I’m a deep person?) These thoughts lasted for at least ten minutes the other day, and I was completely unable to contribute to the project. By the time I was able to focus again, you had already started writing something, and I certainly didn’t want to mess up your flow by adding any words of my own. You may have seen my name in the top right corner, and I gladly fixed all of your grammatical mistakes, but you seemed quite capable of writing the rest, and so I tried to stay out of your way!
I have now realized that this is not how a group project is supposed to work, but didn’t we call ourselves a team? While I don’t remember the exact expression about “I” and “in” and “team,” I thought that it meant that I didn’t have to do any work? No? My bad.
As an apology, please accept these burnt oatmeal raisin cookies and an acoustic serenade of “Sorry,” performed on my kazoo. After this, I promise that my lack of contribution to the project won’t be the worst part of your day anymore!
Peace, love, and a group hug (?)
Your apologetic t-I-eam member (look, I put the “I” in team!)
Image via.
