Dear Facebook Friend,
Hey, it’s me, the girl you kind of hate now, because her random family members, who you don’t know, always interact with you on Facebook. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to tag me in statuses, photos, and memes. You produce real evidence that I “go out,” and “have friends,” truly showing the rest of the world that it’s not just me and the air plants in my dorm room.
I apologize that because of your valiant efforts to be kind and social, you’ve also been wronged. By me. Well, by my family. See, Latinos can be very chismosos, or as we say in Drumpf’s America “nosy.” Although, I suppose many non-Latino families also have a Nosy Natalia or two. (Is that an Expression Name, like Debbie Downer or Texting Tina? Hmm.)
And when a family member is nosy, they will comment on virtually (haha) anything they see online, causing you to have an endless amount of unsolicited notifications.
They’ll comment on your interest in X,Y, and Z events. They’ll like that you tagged me in a photo about which of Zayn’s eyes I am. (Left). They’ll share that photo of our apple picking trip. Yeah, the one I’m not in. The one with you and your boyfriend. Because to my relatives, whether I’m in the photo or not is irrelevant! I’m sure they’d even throw a “wow” reaction at your online Turbotax returns if they could.
I apologize that they think we’re dating. To be honest, that’ll probably be a thing as long as I’m single. And even when I have a partner, they’ll probably still think I’m cheating on said partner with you. Again, so sorry!
I guess it’s kind of nice though, that you get all of this attention from my family. I mean, are you getting notifications from people who aren’t my Uncle? And isn’t he kind of cute the way he types like he’s sending a telegram?
LOOKS LIKE FUN. STOP.
WISH I WAS THERE. STOP.
MIJA, ARE YOU DATING THAT *INSERT COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE RACIAL OR GENDERED MICROAGGRESSION*? HOW CUTE! STOP.
I was thinking, since this seems to be the only way my family likes to communicate, that I’d write a telegram of my own on this whole kerfuffle.
SORRY AGAIN ABOUT THE NOTIFICATIONS. STOP.
I PROMISE I’LL CHANGE MY PRIVACY SETTINGS. STOP.
THIS ISN’T HOW TELEGRAMS WORK, IS IT? STOP.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU REALLY DO NEED TO STOP? STOP.
STOP.
(STOP POSTING ON MY FRIEND’S WALLS, FAM!)
Image via.
