“From the New York Times, I’m Michael Barabaro.” A shiver ricochets down my spine; I rush to put my headphones in before my day is ruined. Why does he sound like that?? Does he think it’s hot? Does he think it’s sexy? No! Michael, you sound like a robot who is trying to be nice and pretend he has morals. You are the vocal embodiment of a microplane. You sound like what sticking your head in a wasps’ nest feels like. You make me jealous of Van Gogh. Some may say this is dramatic, but “some” have clearly never listened to the incessant screeching of Michael Barbaro’s quirky news de-briefs. Michael, please just talk like a normal person. PLEASE! Imagine if he did! Yes, imagine if Michael didn’t try to make ASMR out of the news. Imagine if… he talked normally…
~cue dream sequence music~
You wake up to the smell of blueberry pancakes and the sound of birds. Not the other way around. It’s early. You got up early because you’re THAT type of person now, overflowing with optimism and hope, constantly sharing your gratitude and maybe doing yoga in the morning because you feel like it. Nothing can stop you. You are motivated, but you are also informed. You are informed because a new Michael is in town: Michael Bublé.
New Michael’s voice doesn’t sound like popsicle sticks breaking. New Michael’s voice sounds like perfectly buttered toast, like wintertime in Hallmark’s America, like what a vacuumed rug looks like right after you finish vacuuming it. You listen to him talk about broken school systems and voter suppression while you eat the birds and listen to the pancakes. WAIT other way around. Sorry. New Michael’s intonation doesn’t make you want to shut your head in a car door, but quite the opposite. New Michael’s voice makes you WANT to listen to the liberal propaganda he’s spouting. Suddenly you find yourself a fiend for the news. You LOVE The Daily. You love your life. You don’t love the state of the world but hey, at least you actually know what’s going on now!
You think of the before-times and laugh. Old Michael? Who is he? You’ve forgotten what he sounds like and you have your life back. You no longer live in fear of giving the aux to someone else in the car. You can finally take off the noise cancelling headphones you’ve been wearing every day since that one time someone started to play ‘The Daily’ on the bus and you had to get off a stop early. You notice that there’s a tangible change in the air. Your friends are less stressed. Your boyfriend is suddenly emotionally available again. Your professors seem peppier and your seasonal allergies have calmed down. There is no more pollution. Nutella is no longer made with palm oil. Everyone has insurance now. Even the birds that you are neither smelling nor eating are happier. You plug your phone into the aux and play the most popular podcast in America. New Michael delivers the big news: it’s world peace.
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