Sober at SW

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I was sober at Spring Weekend this year. Shocking? Maybe. Apparently, not everyone at this prestigious institution is a perfect golden child like I am. (Shout-out to Mom and Dad, who raised me to be both drug-free AND humble.) Anyways, horn tooting aside, I was sober… but my friends were not. My friends are also varied and creative, and they all chose different methods to get high/drunk/lit/turnt/generally impaired that weekend. This is a list of the texts they sent me, based on their vice of choice.

Drug: Good old-fashioned alcohol

 

Ever r u

 

I’m heeeeeeeeeeeeyrerereeeeeeee

 

I’m lost

O i see you

No i’m lost still

 

I left my key in your room

Nvm it’s in my boobd

LOL

 

I’m drinking vodka out of someone’s cowboy boot rn

New low or new high?

Experts disagree

 

I can’t find my phone

 

Drug: The weed, the marijuana, the pot

 

Me: I’m getting pizza

Her: Can u get me a slice

Me: Sure what kind?

Her: Pizza

 

fffuuuuuuUUUUCK

 

At least 400 maple leaf emojis in one text

 

420 blaze it (sent at 6:43 PM)

 

Loophole! (this was related to… absolutely nothing)

 

Can it, Pig Man (I hadn’t texted this person all day)

 

Drug: MDMA

 

Thank you for the bananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (this was followed by approximately 8 million hearts)

 

I just want to kiss a girl okay let my gay heart live

 

Her: I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Ily2 pal

Her: No say it in full

Her: Or it won’t mean as much

 

Am I tripping like crazy right now or is there a child onstage? (there was a child onstage)

 

[The next day] the only good thing in the world is eggs

 

Drug: Tinashe

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I’M TOO GAY FOR THIS

 

I’m crying and also laughing

 

Dead dead dead

 

Where are you? Let’s fuckin’ dance

 

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