As girls and people outside the gender binary who have been known to dabble in the production of bits, most of us at The Rib have been guilty of taking a bit too far. I’ve certainly been there, delivering what I thought was a certified banger only to be met with silence, blank stares, and awkward side-eyes. With extensive experience in bits that have crashed and burned, here are 10 steps you can take to protect your peace and repair the harm you’ve caused by taking the bit too far.
- Post a bikini photo.
If we learned anything from the white girl allyship of 2020, there’s nowhere better to assert yourself as a woke queen than in the caption of a tasteful beachside shot. So, if you’ve crossed a line recently, just head to the RISD beach (who cares if it’s almost December!) and snap some tasteful pics. You can even pout á la Kylie Jenner for an extra sincere apology.
- Demand Venmo compensation from everyone who was in the room.
The second-hand embarrassment experienced by everyone in The Room Where It Happened (love you Lin Manuel) and general looks of terror will be seared in your mind’s eye forever. The least these people can do is Venmo (or Zelle, though who the fuck uses Zelle??) you for your therapy. This is a great example of reparations at work!
- Send a notes app apology and crying video to everyone who was there.
Growing up in the 2010s, I’ve seen my fair share of apology videos. Under the tutelage of unproblematic faves Tana Mongeau and Tati Westbrook, I’ve become well-versed in the art of constructing a narrative of victimhood. Make sure to use Sephora store brand mascara for added effect — that stuff is NOT staying on your eyelashes!
- Double down on the bit.
Was the bit kinda racist? Tell them you literally posted a black square during June 2020!
Was the bit poking fun at somebody’s deep-rooted, lifelong insecurities? Call them a pussy!
Was the bit about a group you don’t belong to? Say they gave you a free pass!
Life’s short, be an awful person!
- Shit yourself.
Everyone will be so distracted that they’ll forget all about your bit. Take control of the narrative, girl boss! If you’re a Pitch Perfect fan, projectile vomming is also a great option.
- Hit yourself in the head while saying “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
Well by golly aren’t you the dumbest girl in school! When you do this, people will feel so bad for you that they’ll forget all about the failed bit and start apologizing to you!
- Tell everyone you’re just a girl!
Okay, so you said something kinda problematic and are getting called out. But um have they considered that you’re literally a teenage girl? That you are so coquette Lana Del Rey vinyl that even a slight breeze would knock over your delicate frame? Your Honor, case closed.
- Play a laugh track.
If they’re not going to laugh at your incredibly funny original femme groundbreaking comedy, you’ll bring the giggles yourself. EVERYONE knows the true marker of true comedy is a laugh track. I literally go nowhere without it!
- Recite all of John Mulaney’s “New in Town” verbatim from memory.
Who better to distract from your failed bits than feminist ally and family man John Mulaney? An hour and a half later everyone will have laughed so much they’ll forget all about the bit, just like his first wife!
- Ask everyone if they know where the Perelman Arts District is.
Everyone will be so confused and disoriented by the question that they’ll forget about your failed bit entirely!