If DataMatch isn’t messy enough, our 2023/24 Class Coordinating Board swooped in to give you lonely idiots another shot at love. The CCBoo Spooky Scramble was simple enough: you enter your name and get assigned a number, and you write down the numbers of five crushes. If you and your CCBoo write each other’s numbers down, you can get matched and begin the romance of a lifetime.
But for many of you (not me though <3), tragedy struck on the noon of October 27th:
“We are sorry to inform you that we were unable to match you with your romantic selections during this year’s Spooky Scramble 🕷️😿”
Alas, you discover your journey has come to an end. With another holiday season, comes yet another devastating loss.
But hey, as the email says, there are so many explanations as to why you didn’t get a match.
- Your crush doesn’t like you back. Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right.
- Maybe your boo forgot to fill the form out! They’re so silly, it’s just like them to forget.
But if they went through the trouble to enter their name in the Scramble in the first place, why would they forget to submit their matches? Oh god, maybe:
- Something terrible happened to them.
The stakes have been raised.
What do you do now? Take immediate action. There’s no time to waste. This brings us to step 1.
- Text your crush to see if anything happened to them between the dates of October 7th and October 27th. If they don’t answer within 60 seconds, send reminder texts every ten seconds until you receive a response. Remember, you’re not being desperate— you’re just concerned for their safety.
- If they say that they’ve been healthy and in one piece, ask if something happened to their computer. If their computer imploded and they couldn’t fill out the spreadsheet, everything makes sense and there is no need to worry.
- If they say their computer has been functional this whole time, this is cause for alarm. Again, your crush would never forget to put your number down in Spooky Scramble, that’s impossible.
There is only one conclusion at this point in your investigation:
That is not your crush speaking to you, someone else has kidnapped them and stolen their phone. From here on out, you can pull inspiration from Keanu Reeves’s neo-noir action-thriller saga, John Wick.
- Begin tapping your crush’s phone calls, and deduce who is holding them hostage. Hop on a flight, engage in a few gunfights and high-speed chases, and retrieve your CCBoo from the clutches of evil.
- Look at yourself in the mirror and be proud. You just saved a life today. You are the CCBest.
If you get offered a Nobel Peace Prize for singlehandedly taking down a trafficking ring, feel free to credit me in your speech. I will humbly accept credit (and the monetary prize, if you’re feeling generous). And in the small chance that your crush wasn’t kidnapped and is just not that interested in you, take comfort in the fact that you’d probably have beat them in a Halloweekend dance battle showdown anyway.