I don’t know about you, but my summer was amazing. It was so good I managed to convince myself for the first time ever that I was Special and Important and Bound For Greatness, and not just because people were telling me things like this on the reg:
And being Special and Important and Bound For Greatness, it’s practically inevitable that one day I’ll be approached by Penguin-Random House with an eight figure advance to sell my celebrity memoir. And so naturally, when that day comes, I want to be ready for it. That’s why I’ve started preparing, trying to gather snippets of my life in an attempt to decide what’s worthy of being written about. I’m so interesting and fabulous, it’s just hard figuring out what makes the cut, y’know? For example, let’s take a look at Thursday, October 6th:
4:25 AM. I wake up to go to the bathroom. I open my door at the exact same time as the guy next door to me. We wordlessly walk into the bathroom together, into our respective stalls. We do our business. I leave before him. Is this worthy of my memoir? Not unless it starts happening more often. I usually don’t ever wake up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Next.
9:00 AM. I have class. I spend the first several minutes locating and downloading Niall Horan’s “This Town”, so I can send it to my sister, who’s on vacation in Austria with limited internet access. Is this worthy of my memoir? Yes, I am a great sister.
10:40 AM. I go to the mailroom to pick up a package. The mail guy asks me if I’ll be okay carrying it alone. I wonder if this is sexism, or if he’s just acknowledging the reality of me being a very small person having to carry a very large box. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially because halfway to my dorm I have to stop and readjust my grip. A guy I know from my CS classes walks by and offers to help me carry it. I accept his offer. Is this worthy of my memoir? Nah. Ideological feminism is already overexplored in memoirs. Plus, by the time this gets published, we’ll be getting all packages delivered straight to our doors by drones and I wouldn’t want to show my age by sharing this anecdote.
12:45 PM. I have lunch with my friend Shreya. She informs me that when she told another friend of hers about meeting me for lunch, the friend said I seem really cool and that she wants to get to know me better and also that she thinks I’m funny. I have never been more flattered in my life. Is this worthy of my memoir? No, because by the time I write it this description of me will be pretty self-evident.
3:30 PM. I go to my CS lab. I finish a two-hour lab in half an hour. Is this worthy of my memoir? Depends on what I get famous for. If it is for something other than my brilliant technological innovations, it’s important that people know I’m also really good at coding.
7:30 PM. I go to lab for my other CS class. This time, I struggle a lot and do not finish in time. Is this worthy of my memoir? Yes, depending on what I get famous for. If it is for my brilliant technological innovations, it’s important that people know that while I’m amazing at coding, I too have trouble sometimes.
9:30 PM. Someone comes over to help me set up my brand new pole. It takes longer than expected, as we keep forgetting parts and having to start over. It is mostly my fault. Is this worthy of my memoir? YESS!!! Never mind the fact that finally having my own pole is one of the more exciting things that’s happened to me recently (I’ve been poling for 2+ years), it’s also a great story about not letting rejection (not making the Brown pole dancing group for the second year in a row whatever it’s fine everything’s great I’m totally over it) get in the way of pursuing your passions. Plus, if I get famous for something other than pole dancing, it’s important for people to know that I’m multitalented.
11:30 PM. I watch the newest episode of “Younger”. It is a really good show. Is this worthy of my memoir? Yes, people need to know that “Younger” is a really good show.
12:30 PM. I go to sleep. Is this worthy of my memoir? It is the happiest part of my day, so yes, natch.
Images via Leeron Lempel.