Setting: An Italian Pastaria, eerily similar to the restaurant in the seminal classic, Legally Blonde. It’s overpriced—but the chef makes a mean carbonara. While on a date with Her Situationship, Claire Kane wins the lottery. The emotional lottery.
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Situationship: “We’ve been seeing each other for almost 4 months. I’ve met your parents, invited you to my sprawling upstate house…”
Claire: More than once…
“And ‘accidentally’ said I love you…”
Also more than once!
“…I think I’m finally ready to make this thing official.”
Yes…yes! Finally! The dog days are over. Good riddance, situationship!
“Claire, I’m finally ready to commit…to the bit.”
(Silence)
“You’re the perfect partner for me.”
Okay, okay!
“Comedic partner, that is. “
You’ve got to be kidding me.
“I’m not kidding, baby. I mean, you’re supportive, attentive, honest. You’re any comedian’s dream! Remember our first date at that bar downtown? I thought your laugh was obnoxious that night–you know that snort-laugh you do babe? Yeah, yeah, that one. Well, now that we’ve spent so much time together, it’s one of my favorite things about you.”
He can’t be serious.
“I’m so serious, babe! Now everyone around us at dinner knows I’m funny, too. And that’s all because you laugh too loud! And god, don’t even get me started on the workshopping. I love workshopping with you. I really feel like I can grow as a comedian with you by my side. Maybe by our 1 year anniversary, I’ll even be ready to try standup, consulting career be damned! Our relationship has passion, it has lust, it has depth. You’ve mastered pacing, conviction, clean beats, clear punchlines; you’re a real threat. What we’ve got is comedy gold, baby. You’ve rocked my world—and introduced me to Comedy Central!”
“I feel like we’re really working well together–I mean, in like, every way. Just complete and utter synchronicity. Like just the other day, remember? We were in bed, things were speeding up, getting heated, and I finally hit that special spot…”
That’s not how I remember it.
“That sweet spot of slapstick humor and satire. Remember how great that was? And you totally laughed. I had to cover your mouth, you were so loud.”
4 months. 16 weeks. 120 days. All for this!
“I know it’s only been 4 months, but look how much we’ve grown. When we first started going out, you could barely keep a straight face. And the first time we hooked up—god, I’ll never forget that night—you could barely finish…the bit. And now look at you! You finish every time!”
…The funniest bit of all.
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Image via AdobeStock.