It’s a Tuesday night. The rain is preventing you and your friends from doing much at all, and the last thing you want to do is make the trek to the library. So you have found yourself with a free minute before you go to bed. What to do? Perhaps you’ll crack that Dostoyevsky open, get ahead on your reading (side note: I just spelled “Dostoyevsky” correctly on the first try, I think I can just go ahead and graduate from college now). Maybe you’ll Skype your parents, convince them that you really are, in fact, getting your flu shot this week. Maybe you’ll get a head start on that problem set!
Just kidding. You’re totally just going to sext someone.
But how does one go about it? Do you wait for your boo to get the ball rolling? Do you surprise your recent hook-up with a scandalous photo? Do you just dive in, head first (lol)? The truth of the matter is that everyone sexts differently. It is largely a matter of what you and your partner are comfortable with. But below I have compiled a (quick) set of tips to keep handy when you’re feeling some sort of way (read: horny yet unwilling to leave your room and actually do anything).
DO: Acknowledge that it’s okay that you’re just not really a “sexting” person. The beauty of sexting is that you have complete control of just what you want to say, or just how little you want to say (read: nothing at all, if that’s what you feel most comfortable doing). No one’s making you do anything! You can hide behind your phone screen if you’re feeling bolder than you usually do in person, or “fall asleep, oops!” right when you start to feel uncomfortable or weird. Frankly, I am an extremely awkward person. But get me behind a phone, alone in my room? I’m a fox. And you can be, too!
DO: Be a little picky about who you’re going to send racy messages to. Got a long distance boyfriend? Yo, sext that dude! Been seeing a girl for a while, but she’s out of state, or at least out of the room? Sext it UP. Attracted to your TA, wondering whether they’re into it too? Yeah, go for it! SIKE. Do NOT do that. Especially if you’re unclear about how he/she feels. It’s probably not a good idea to get involved with your TA at all, but hey, do your thing I guess. If you send them an unwanted sext, all they’re going to see next time they grade a paper of yours is you in your skivvies. Weird. And I shouldn’t even have to tell you not to sext your professor. Why do you even have their phone number? Sexy emails are also out of the question. And incomprehensible. Seek help.
DON’T: Interrupt a racy conversation with something completely unrelated. The horny person on the other end does NOT care that you’re eating a crepe. They do NOT want to see the “totally cute” picture of your dog that your mom sent you. For that matter, they don’t want to hear about your mom! True story, I once interrupted a round of sexting to tell my boyfriend, “My mom and dad are in a tent in the backyard right now haha lol.” It wasn’t a good look. Don’t recommend it.
DO: Send a picture, if you’re comfortable with it! I recommend Snapchat for an evidence-free route. Visual aids: good for learning, GREAT for turning someone on. You can wear no clothes at all. You can wear a parka and snow pants, as long as you show off that nice smile of yours! But again, only do what you are COMFORTABLE WITH, not just what someone asks for. Frankly, it really turns me off when someone asks for a racy picture. That usually wins the classic response to a creepy person: a completely unrelated photo. If you want someone to leave you alone, a picture of your grandpa should do. Perhaps “It” the Clown? The vomit their message induced?
DON’T: Accidentally send a message to the wrong person. Once, my friend got a text from one of his other guy friends that read: “Hey, that ‘boob job’ thing we did last night was pretty fun ;)”. Don’t let that be you. Also, don’t be that guy who “accidentally” but completely on purpose sends a racy text to a person you’re into. No one falls for the “Oops, that wasn’t meant for you! But if it were… what would we be doing right now?” No one.
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