It’s March, so you know what there is to look forward to?? No, not getting egregiously drunk for St. Patrick’s Day, it’s Girl Scout Cookie season!! Look, my mom FORBADE me from being a Girl Scout (she thought I could do more “productive” things with my time… like soccer…ew) so I’ve always been a bit resentful and jealous of the Scouts. Since it’s that wonderful time of year when I am reminded of this lost piece of childhood (a.k.a being harassed on the street by young girls zombified by capitalism), I decided to compile a list of the most popular Girl Scout cookies and who you are based on your favorite. I don’t have much reasoning for this; it’s purely based on vibes. It’s been a hard week, so I am going to be ruthless. Maybe if I had been allowed to be a part of this exclusive little club instead of getting smashed in the face by a ball every week at soccer practice, I would be a little less judgemental, but luckily for everyone desperate to know what their favorite cookie says about them, I am not. I know that Girl Scouts are just little girls brainwashed into feeding into the capitalistic agenda and aiding in the disaster that is consumerism, but dang are those caloric cookies good*.
*Disclaimer: I will not be talking about the special cookies or the gluten free ones because they are neither nostalgic nor relevant.
Thin Mint
You think you’re cool, like really cool. You dream of being a Carrie-Bradshaw-esque fashionista in Manhattan and definitely layer your necklaces. Your nails are always painted (or perfectly chipped so they somehow look aesthetically good) and you wear leg warmers, but in the cool pre TikTok blow up way. Fine, maybe I am a bit jealous of the Thin Mint girlies: I wish I liked mint but alas my taste buds refuse to cooperate (I used strawberry flavored toothpaste for the first 13 years of my life). You rarely use social media except for the occasional Instagram story where you tag your friend or boyfriend to the side of the post so when I click on the username it keeps bringing me back to the previous story and it’s really fucking annoying and inconsiderate.
Samoas
You have, unbiasedly, the best taste. You were a chubby child and now you’re really funny (maybe you’re even in a non-male comedy publication at an Ivy League school). And for people who don’t like coconut – grow up! You want to be a silver jewelry girl because that’s what all your friends wear but you keep accidentally buying fake silver and so now your fingers are always tinged green. You personally relate to “this is me trying” by Taylor Swift and question your bisexuality because you keep crushing on men. These are the perfect cookies for spring time and if these are your favorite, you’re MY favorite.
Do-si-dos
Wow you LOVE peanut butter. You’re definitely one of those people who still gets a glass of WHOLE milk with their Ratty dinner, even when you could have cared about the environment and opted for ‘pea milk’ instead (come on now, everyone is doing it). You did cross country in high school and still talk about your mile time at the last meet of your Senior year. You’re also definitely an Education major and are on track to become a Disney adult. Your favorite social media site is LinkedIn. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m really coming for the lovers of this cookie, I actually really enjoy this one…but you probably also listen to Morgan Wallen and “forgot” that time he used a racial slur.
Girl Scout S’mores
My god these are sweet. Your parents restricted sugar during your childhood and now you are desperately trying to make up for it. This is the kind of cookie that non-Americans would use as an insult for how gross Americans are.
Tagalongs
These are classic – pretty good, peanut butter chocolate – but it’s been done before. Unfortunately, Reese’s did it first and better. You are a clone: you see outfits on TikTok and run to buy them from the creator’s Amazon storefront, cycling through trend after trend of fast fashion. You definitely bought every color of that corset from Urban Outfitters and will try to sell them on Depop when they eventually go out of style. But you can still break free! Log out of your mother’s Amazon Prime account and get on the Samoas trend ;).
Trefoils
You might be asking (as I did) what are these? These are the shortbread cookies with the picture of the Girl Scout logo on them. They are not recognizable from name; they are the forgotten soldiers. And if these are your favorites, well…I have some unfortunate news for you. These are the most bland, forgettable, chalky, beige…I forgot what I was even talking about.
I hope this inspired you to go and buy some Girl Scout cookies. The Rib is not an official sponsor of Girl Scouts and will not be held accountable for its actions, but we WILL eat their cookies to the point of nausea.
Image from www.girlscouts.org