As someone burdened with the curse of secondhand embarrassment, I feel awkward and uncomfortable on others’ behalf more often than not. This can interfere with my daily life, so I’ve adopted a coping mechanism of sorts: Whenever I witness an awkward interaction between two people, I self-soothe and justify by imagining it is the meet cute moment of a rom-com. Please enjoy this inside look at my delusional thought process.
Real Interaction
Jamie forgets to knock and barges into the bathroom. Jesse, on the toilet, lets out a distinct yelp.
JAMIE: Oh God.
JESSE: I’m in here!
JAMIE: I’m so sorry!
Like a grassland wildebeest cornered by a lion, Jamie experiences a fight or flight stress reaction and opts to flee, clumsily stumbling out of the bathroom.
JESSE: What the hell?
As an observer, this horrible encounter is almost too much to handle – that is, until I reimagine…
Meet Cute Interaction
Jamie forgets to knock and barges into the bathroom. Jesse, on the toilet, lets out a distinct yelp.
JAMIE: Oh God.
JESSE: I’m in here!
JAMIE: I’m so sorry!
JESSE: Hey, I haven’t seen you around this bathroom before. Are you new in town?
JAMIE: Yeah. Just moved here from a small farm in the middle of nowhere. Still finding my way around.
Jesse stands up, pants around ankles. Somehow everyone is cool with this.
JESSE: You don’t fit in, do you?
Jesse is right. Jamie doesn’t fit in – much in the same way that the two do not fit in the tiny bathroom stall. Jamie nods.
JESSE: Let me show you where the other bathroom is.
The two shuffle out, Jesse’s pants still down. They both know they’ve found “the one.”
See? Doesn’t that warm feeling in your heart distract from the stress ulcer you’ve been developing? Consider this scenario:
Real Interaction
Mindy, a waitress, spills coffee all over her customer, Ted.
MINDY: Oh, I am such a klutz!
TED: Damn it!
MINDY: I’m so sorry.
TED: It’s… It’s fine. Guess I’m gonna be late to my job interview.
MINDY: I didn’t burn you, did I? So sorry.
Ouch! That hurts. Let’s polish this up a bit:
Meet Cute Interaction
Mindy, a waitress, spills coffee all over her customer, Ted.
MINDY: Oh, I am such a klutz!
TED: Damn it!
They both reach for the napkins. Their hands touch for a brief, beautiful moment, united by the absorbent paper they so desperately need.
MINDY: I’m so sorry.
Ted, making intense eye contact usually only found at Brown “naked parties,”
TED: No, I’m sorry… That I didn’t notice your beauty earlier. I can’t tell if this burning sensation comes from the scalding coffee on my lap, or from the fiery passion in my heart. Would you like to get married?
MINDY: No. I am married to my work. I am a career-driven woman with no time for romance.
She pronounces “romance” like “roMANCE.” Ted does not know why, but he’s into it.
TED: Please?
MINDY: Upon further consideration, I’ve changed my mind. You have wooed me, and I am willing to put my career on hold to water the flower of our love.
Isn’t that nice? You can practically hear that one song by that indie band in the background. Now consider this:
Real Interaction
Jon, a movie theater employee, checks Pete’s ticket.
JON: Back again?
PETE: Couldn’t stay away! I love this movie.
JON: You’re all set. Enjoy Minions.
PETE: You too!
Jon rolls his eyes. Pete feels like a student who has just called his teacher “Mom.”
PETE: That was dumb of me. Ha. This is more awkward than when the minions thought Kevin died, but he returns with a parachute.
JON: I haven’t seen the movie yet. Thanks for the spoiler, asshole.
What a bummer! Watching that would destroy me. Here’s how I’d rather it go down:
Meet Cute Interaction
Jon, a movie theater employee, checks Pete’s ticket.
JON: Back again?
PETE: Couldn’t stay away! I love this movie.
JON: You’re all set. Enjoy Minions.
PETE: You too!
Jon chuckles. Pete blushes.
PETE: That was dumb of me. Ha. This is more awkward than when the minions thought Kevin died, but he returns with a parachute.
JON: (joining in simultaneously) – than when the minions thought Kevin died, but he returns with a parachute.
PETE: Oh my God. You love Minions too? Do you want to go out sometime?
JON: Yes! I think I am finally ready to move on from my divorce.
PETE: Wow, it seems like sparks are flying!
JON: Oh yeah, I work as a blacksmith on the side.
Jon reveals he has been holding a welder the entire time. They hold hands and skip into the theater together. Not even Minions can ruin this love!
Don’t you see? Pretending that an unpleasant moment will result in marriage is effective and easy! You might be saying, “Kayla, it’s ridiculous that you are so unequipped to witness awkwardness that you would rather live a fantasy.” To that I respond, “You have a way with words. Do you want to grab coffee sometime?”
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