In a recent email to the Brown student body, SAO announced they were scrapping their program ‘StandUp to Hazing’ in favour of a new initiative: ‘StepDown to Hazing’.
When The Rib approached SAO for comment, representative Hazel Smith remarked: “Having previously adopted a strong stance against hazing, we have since shifted gears and decided that we will henceforth be stepping down to hazing and letting it flourish. We just figured it was useless trying to stop student groups from initiating their new members in creative and dangerous ways. Hazers gonna haze, ya know? Plus, we’re pretty busy over here trying to find more ways to suck the funding and joy out of student activities.”
“Also, what do the dorks at this school know about hazing?” Smith snorted. “They don’t have the balls to do anything cool anyway.”
And she’s probably right. On the way over to speak with SAO, The Rib overheard the Chair of Musical Forum boasting about their most recent round of initiation: “Yeah dude it was sick! We told the new members to meet us outside Faunce and then we, like, weren’t there. You should’ve seen the look on their faces dawg!”
Elsewhere, the newest member of Improvidence was forced to do a skit in a British accent (neither required nor accurate) on a table at Jo’s while being fiercely ignored by everyone else on the premises.
“Anywho, viva la hazing!” Smith giggled before galloping off to watch Bama Rush with her 20 closest friends.