Welcome to Brown, Class of 2021. By now, you’ve probably slurped vodka from a ladle on the roof of Metcalf, slept through your 3 P.M., and peed on the fire you started with three Ratty to-go boxes and an iClicker outside of the Anne Marie Brown Crypt without any consequence. “College is great!” you exclaim, pouring an entire bowl of pho into your backpack. “No parents, dude!”
That’s cute.
Did you really think you’d be free from parental clutches at this institution? Sucks to suck, but your mothers have given me custody of all 1,791 of you. That’s right; I am your legal guardian now. You have all been reborn from my womb and you better believe that I have some serious rules for you to follow around here.
- This is a shoes-off Ivy League Institution. There will be no plebian grime in these hallowed halls, historical pathways, and vestibules of the liberal arts. Your toes should be visible at all times and ready for inspection by me, every other week, on Rock Level B.
- Every night, you have to do the SciLi Challenge, which is when you go to every floor of the SciLi and DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
- Whenever you see a bunny, stop and thank it for its service.
- Blueno is your father. You must treat him as such. Call him once a week and let him talk about his golf tournament and/or root canal procedure. Also, he still owes me money from the settlement. Tell him, please.
- Invite me to your parties so I can enforce safety, kiss the cutest people there, and play beer pong on a stolen table from the 2nd floor lounge of Jameson like I did when I was a freshman. I am very good at beer pong and very good at being a mom and would like to do both at once.
- Your bedtime is whenever.
- Once a week, we will have a family meal. That means no cell phones, no blue jeans, and no you being a brat. It will take place at the Ratty and you will swipe me in because I am off meal plan and also because I am your mom. You will watch me eat three servings of Washington Apple Cake and you will not say a word.
- If you don’t water all the trees on the Main Green twice a week, I will yell at you at your Bar Mitzvah.
- Kiss the Pembroke Seal everyday.
- YOU ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR WIPING YOURSELF NOW I CAN’T HELP YOU WITH THAT ANYMORE.
- Under no condition are you allowed to hook-up with a PLME. You are not allowed to hook-up in Everett, but you are allowed to hook-up with someone who lives in Everett. And you are not allowed to hook-up in Grad Center D because I live there and if I heard you in the throws of passion we would have to go to family therapy. Otherwise, it is up to your discretion who you hook-up with, but remember: you date someone, you date their entire unit. And let’s be clear, there will be no frontal hugging. There can be back hugs, side hugs, and coital hugs, but no frontal hugs. I will insist on meeting everyone you hook-up with and I will expect them to bring me a bouquet of free t-shirts they got at Brown sporting events.
- Whenever you see a group of people smoking from a bong, thank them for their service.
- Stay away from RISD students. They will want you to snort oil paint and declare a major instead of a concentration. They are treacherous, bespectacled, and keen on getting high off “modern art.” You are not allowed to have sleepovers with them.
- You must fall in love with Gail.
- If your Saturday night doesn’t end with you and your friend using the same Caswell Basement toilet at the same time, you will not be granted your nightly glass of warm coffee milk.
- Every function at Brown is a naked party so you must be in the nude all the time or else you’re grounded.
- No mozzarella sticks on the coffee table, twerp!
- You are my child and I am your mother and I can sexile you whenever I want.
Image via Sarah Clapp.