Hey everyone, it’s me, your local movie critic, your rag time gal, here to help you out with a pop culture pickle. Did you watch any of the top blockbuster films this summer? Probably not, considering that this has been reported to be the worst summer box office record in ten years. Why didn’t you watch more movies, Tiffany? Why didn’t you satiate the corporate monster’s big, big appetite?
Anyways, I took a cinema class this summer and I’m in an introductory MCM course this semester, so I am definitely qualified to give you the low-down on all the hot summer flicks. These bite-sized, quirky yet poignant reviews will aid you tremendously when you’re trying to awkwardly flirt/make small talk with people at parties.
Wonder Woman: DC executives looked into Chris Pine’s eyes and learned about the benefits of Coloring Their Movies. Also all the Amazon warriors were definitely gay. ★★★★/5
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2: God tries to kill the universe and Chris Pratt is revealed to be Literal Jesus ChristTM which is weird but somebody give the baby plant and the raccoon going through a mid-life crisis some freakin Oscars!!!!! ★★★/5
Spider-Man: Homecoming: Misleading title there was NO homecoming dance the entire movie and that’s the only thing I was there for. Pretty cool though how Tom Holland is my new boyfriend and Zendaya’s talent and radiance cleared my skin, watered my crops, and fed my children. ★★★/5
Despicable Me 3: A film about the exploration of self-loathing, the liminality of existence, and finding serenity in your authentic self. Overly preachy but poignant. Did feel like the half hour the Minions spent smoking doobies was out of place. ★★★★★★★★★★/5
Dunkirk: The first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan on a loop for three hours, although I found it most jarring when Harry Styles randomly showed up and started singing “What Makes You Beautiful” in the middle of the war. ★/5
Cars 3: After Lightning McQueen murders the President of the United States of Cars America, World War III: Cars Edition breaks out, and the vehicles of the revolution struggle to remain intact. A gritty look into the intricacies of moral decay and car sex. ★★★/5
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: My hot take on this movie: more screen time for Orlando and Keira, negative screen time for Johnny Depp. ★/5
The Emoji Movie: Someone held Patrick Stewart’s family hostage and that’s how his very talented being was forced into this flaming garbage cake movie. Someone please help Patrick Stewart. Negative infinity ★’s/5
Baby Driver: A baby played by Alec Baldwin learns how to drive. Must-see. ★★★★★/5
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