When I was growing up, I could never find relatable advice for all my daunting, coming-of-age questions—how do I talk to my crush without him thinking I’m having an allergic reaction because my face is so red from blushing? and how do I cope with the social ramifications of being cut from the field hockey team? My primary resource for putting my teenage woes into perspective was Seventeen Magazine, which said I should let “emojis do the talking” and interpret well lit Snapchats as a sign of pure adoration from a potential bae. I don’t think my message style of ironically juxtaposing 20 random emojis is what they were referring to, and I am yet to find insight in the lighting quality of the Snapchats I receive.
It occurred to me that teen magazines might be too hip for this old fashioned girl, so I thought–what better place to look for self improvement than the pioneering ladies of the past, and the advice given to and by them about reaching the pinnacle of class and competence, the peak of womanhood and worldliness? Thus, I decided to test these timeless standards in the hope that I would instantly be catapulted to a higher echelon of grace and sophistication. I share my results for the betterment of the female community.
I. Looking Like My Loveliest Self
First I realized that I needed to look the part, so I found a list of beauty tips used by Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly and their celebrity contemporaries. Hoping that I’d suddenly and miraculously transform into a bombshell, I decided to try a few:
- Baking Soda as Teeth Whitening: Rub baking soda onto your teeth and rinse to keep those pearly whites shining.
RESULT: All was fine and dandy until I accidentally drank vinegar and a small chemical reaction unleashed itself in my mouth. At least my teeth are positively sparkling!
- Toothpaste for Dark Circles: Dab a small amount of toothpaste under your eyes to wake up without those dreaded under eye bags.
RESULT: Cavity free and minty fresh. 10/10 dentists recommend.
- Cold Water Treatment: Splash your face with ice cold water 25 times every morning to look young and refreshed.
RESULT: Wet.
- Beer Shampoo: Rinse your hair with beer to give your locks more body and weight.
RESULT: Did not attempt out of fear of smelling/feeling like I’d rolled around the floor of a frat house on a Friday night. My fore-mothers were braver souls.
II. Social Decorum
Next, I found a Vintage Etiquette Guide from 1918 that gained my immediate trust because it said that men who talk too much about themselves are not charming. This is still very much true. So I decided to put these guidelines into action as I was conveniently getting brunch with my parents this weekend.
As we all know, brunch is the classiest of all meals so I felt especially dedicated to perfecting my manners. I vowed to myself that I would purge my conversation of “all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents and mannerisms” which would be hard, what with all my youth slang, uncontrollable urges to speak in British accents, and wild gesticulations. But I persisted, biting my tongue and beating down my hands when I felt especially expressive. Which wasn’t actually that often, as the guide said to avoid anecdotes, meaning that the conversation consisted mostly of talk about the weather and detailed commentary on the fluffiness of my French Toast. It was at this point that I realized I had broken another sacred tenet, that “one should avoid long conversations in society with members of one’s own family.” How embarrassing! Conversing with my parents in public! I felt so ashamed, and fell into twenty minutes of self loathing silence.
But perhaps the hardest principle to swallow was that “puns are considered vulgar by many.” At least 60% of my humor is pun based, which I guess now explains most of my social shortcomings. The temptation was high because of my company, as my father made an (unfortunately) immense amount of puns that afternoon (guess who I inherited my regrettable sense of humor from). I stayed strong–even when he unleashed the doozy that is “hey, there’s the Hay.”
And finally, as my parents were preparing to leave, I put one final premise into action.
“Mother, father, as you both know, no really fashionable party is made up without a chaperone. Perhaps you could stay and help me throw one such party tonight!” This was met with confused silence and then—“Sure, as long as I get to keep all the drugs and alcohol I confiscate!” my dad quipped. Clearly he’d never been to a stylish party in his life! Disappointed, I had to cancel my Facebook event “Most Fashionable Party EVER!” But even so, I felt that this guide helped elevate me to a higher standard of social consciousness–if I can keep my pun ban going, that is.
III. An Immaculate Domicile…I Mean Dorm
As we all know, a woman is never truly fulfilled without a well maintained household. Housekeeping Monthly’s May 1955 issue came to my rescue by providing me with a “good wife’s guide” to attaining this. Tragically, I am not a wife, and it would seem that many of the tips required possession of a husband. I do, however, have a roommate and I figured that our living arrangement would be mostly comparable.
The guide focused on making my husband (henceforth referred to as roommate) comfortable and happy. Which meant I had to be “a little more interesting” and “prepare myself,” which entailed refreshing my makeup and putting a ribbon in my hair before they came home. Prior to her arrival, I also cleared away clutter, arranged all the pillows on her bed and lit a fire “for [her] to unwind by.” (And by “lit a fire,” I mean turned up the heat). I truly think I was able to make our dorm a “place of peace, order and tranquility where [my roommate] can renew [herself] in body and spirit.” After all, the guide notes that “a good wife always knows her place.” And I do.
It’s on my side of the room, except when I need to use the printer.
IV. Dating and Relationships
Eager to see if refraining from being sentimental, sitting in awkward positions and flirting with the headwater would enhance my love life, I then realized I’d have no way of testing this out. Alas, no gentlemen callers have knocked on my door lately looking to go steady, but I’d welcome them—for social science, of course. My only criteria are that you don’t talk too much about yourself (in true 1918 fashion) and tolerate my haphazard (though arguably hilarious) emoji use. Because even though I’ve certainly become more ladylike from my unconventional toothpaste application and pun prohibition, my retro role models still couldn’t help me there.
