Ah, Facebook. A wonderful archive of posts that I will eventually regret. Over the summer, I was discussing this phenomenon with my sister as I scrolled down my wall in search of a status I made on my thirteenth birthday, reading: “OH MY GIZZLE. I’M THIRTEEN NOW!!!” (Unfortunately, this status had been deleted, probably when I began regretting its existence at age sixteen or seventeen). While scrolling, I found a few other gems worth screenshotting. These statuses hold the keys to my true persona, a clear window into the mind of my past self. I will now analyze them in an attempt to reveal to you who I really am.
Let’s dive right in. From the beginning, people were very invested in my Facebook career. What can I say, the people love me!
To keep my fans around, I had to come up with some sick jokes.
I specifically remember writing this status. There was not a crumb stuck under the caps lock key. I’m so disappointed that I resorted to lying for a silly status.
Using my time wisely since 2010!
My main critique of this status is that it doesn’t make sense to ask if the person was born on a plane. The person would only maintain flyness as long as they are actually on the aircraft. The correct form of this pickup line should be: “Are you on a plane? Cuz you’re lookin’ fly.” I encourage you to use this corrected version of the pickup line. Let me know if it works.
Piggybacking off that last one:
I have no idea what this is in relation to. Or why I posted it when I was fourteen.
Going off of that, here’s a non-man-whore:
For the record, I’m still obsessed with Dylan O’Brien, and find him very “HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT.”
I am a simple person. I like simple things. Boys, take note of the following two statuses.
Okay, why would I ask someone else to make me a build-a-bear? The whole point is to make it yourself. Even now as a nineteen-year-old, I frequently ask members of my family to take me to build-a-bear. They say “Go by yourself,” and “You’re too old, Samantha. It’s weird.”
True! I am! I enjoy the subtlety and mysteriousness behind this status. Before following the path of those dotdotdots, the reader is held in suspense. What’s it gonna be? What is she addicted to? Is it drugs? Something wacky from My Strange Addiction, like the lady addicted to eating brick? Nope, Christmas music. You were fooled! I maintain my innocence.
And finally, feeling the need to post about my musical preferences:
A succinct status. Although I have changed my opinion since 2011, I appreciate the rhyme I created as well as the pointed punctuation. My favorite part, however, is the discussion in the comments. A friend commented, “Na,” to which I responded, “dudee. rap.stinks.” His counterargument is, “Na. I’m listening to it now,” as if the mere fact that he is currently listening to rap music proves that it is not crap. Who am I to argue against that logic?
In the end, I think that scrolling through everything I have posted on Facebook was good and bad for me. I appreciate how ridiculous some of these statuses are and how my use of language has evolved, but I’m also deeply embarrassed that there was ever a time I felt the need to post these online. Despite that, I highly encourage you to scroll through your Facebook wall, back to the dawn of your Facebook life. You might learn a thing or two about yourself!
Images via and via Sam Crausman.