Time: 15 minutes to prep, 10 minutes to cook, 5 more years to get your life together
Serves: Whoever gets to them first
Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup your purpose — ha, just kidding!
1 cup sugar
½ cup Splenda, because, well, you know
1 jumbo egg, not those inferior medium-sized ones
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder (don’t mess it up this time)
¼ tsp salt
½ cup butter (it’s just a whole stick, please don’t put it in measuring cups again)
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp ginger
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp whatever else you have on the spice rack because there’s no way you have allspice or anything like that
Instructions:
- Preheat oven to 375. You’re right, that does take too long. Nudge it down to 350. No one will know.
- Spray cookie sheet with non-stick…okay, fine, you don’t have any spray, just don’t use…alright, you’re using olive oil.
- Cream together butter and sugar. Add the vanilla. This would be so much easier if you had the stand mixer like Mom does at home.
- How’s Mom doing? You haven’t talked to her in a while.
- You should call your mom.
- Never mind. She didn’t answer.
- In a separate bowl, beat egg.
- Wash your hands. Wait, did you touch the faucet already? Aw, man, you had raw egg on you!
- Worry that you and everyone you touch will contract Salmonella.
- In a separate bowl, sift together the rest of the ingredients. Since you probably don’t have a sifter, just toss ‘em around until you have a nice dust cloud going.
- Worry about the consequences of inhaling contents of said dust cloud.
- Get your inhaler. Better safe than sorry.
- Combine wet and dry ingredients and mix until blended. Do not mix after that. If you do that, your cookies will be ruined and you will be forbidden from baking anything ever again.
- Place the raw dough you didn’t already eat in balls two inches apart on greased baking sheet.
- Mom called back! She’s doing great. Oh, wait, now there’s Salmonella on the phone!
- Cram as much dough as you possibly can onto baking sheet before eating the rest. Who has time to bake two batches?
- Place in preheated oven for however long you’d like, since everyone knows cookies are better when they’re a little chewy inside. And don’t bother cooling them.
Image via.