Aquarius – Remember the guy who made fun of you in middle school? Well let me tell you Aquarius, you are in luck. This month, you’re going to do some good old-fashioned Facebook stalking. Guess what? That douchebag never grew over 5 feet and is now harboring a sad, fuzzy mustache on his face. That, and he has been sucked into the deepest and darkest of the Internet black holes – yes, he’s a cat video fanatic. Now is your chance to post a status about how well you’re doing at school. Throw a photo of yourself on there too, since puberty did wonders for you! You’re so welcome.
Pisces – The universe knows you’ve been thinking about getting a piercing, and it has two things to say to you, judging by the star pattern in your part of the sky. First, don’t do the bellybutton. It was cool on Christina Aguilera in the early 2000’s, but it’s not going to work for you, and might get infected. Nonetheless, definitely get something pierced. Second, after you get your indie-rocking ass a new piercing, the girl you’ve been eyeing is going to start eyeing you too. Get two tickets to Father John Misty and see where things go, you dig?
Aries – You’re going to get really into basketball this month. Not sure why. We’re not even close to March Madness. Still, you’ll probably spend a lot of time shootin’ hoops, so you can expect to develop some rad calf muscles. Hell yes!
Taurus – I’m going to be real with you, Taurus – I’m not your biggest fan. My galaxy-print pants are not gaudy; they’re awesome. Nonetheless, it wouldn’t do justice to my illustrious position as a Rib psychic if I lied about your horoscope. You’re considering a new haircut this month. For the love of Saturn’s moons, stay far away from Hair Cuttery. It’s my usual spot, too, I know. I’m not saying Hair Cuttery will give you a mullet, but I’m also not saying they won’t. Catch my drift? Give SuperCuts a try.
Gemini – CAUTION! The next time you shower at the gym without shoes, you ARE going to get Athlete’s Foot. Google it if you don’t believe me, and then you’ll be too scared to defy my celestial orders. In other news, your floormate is going to call you “fun, fun, fun” in a sexually suggestive way, so I think it’s probably time to move. This month is just jam-packed full of bad omens for you, so tread carefully.
Cancer – Your mom’s getting a Snapchat this month. Say goodbye to the drunken snap-stories of yore and hello to pictures of Bible study, or whatever you can do to pretend to be wholesome. I know that you just love to post artistic photos of raspberry Smirnoff, but your mom is not going to see the art in them, no matter the light or composition or whether you use the “rule of thirds.” Nope – no photos of Burnett’s either. Honestly honey, if you think Burnett’s will ever be acceptable then you are truly out of your mind. Your mother raised a social drinker, not a hot mess.
Leo – I’ve got good news and bad news for you, Leo. The good news is that the cute barista you’ve been lurkin’ on is going to ask you out this month. The bad news? His favorite artist is Bon Iver (who he’s sure you’ve never heard of), he owns a French press, and he’s going to talk about his refined oak recycled-from-a-demolished-Ikea coffee table for a little too long. Put him in your spank bank and walk away. (And maybe grab some really good French-pressed coffee on your way out.)
Virgo – You’ve been really anxious about the job market lately. I get it – the economy is not built for ambitious young go-getters like it used to be (#FeeltheBern). But listen to me, Virgo. A computer science class is not the answer. Sure, it makes you ridiculously employable to know how to code, plus guarantees a higher salary and maybe an all-around better life. Forget all that. You are going to lose your goddamn mind if you enroll in that class. Have you ever talked to an unopened bag of chips? No? Well, you’re going to. Mars, Mercury and Venus told me. The planets are really looking out for you this month, I promise.
Libra – Libra, you’re amazing. All those months of exercise have paid off, and your body is bangin’. But the Sun is getting awfully close to Earth, or whatever, which means I have bad news for you. Skip yoga this month. I know, I know – it keeps you serene and level, which is key in the beginning of the semester. But if you go to yoga, you’re going to fart in class. And it’s not going to be some dainty little squeak-fart, either. It’s going to be really loud and shock you so much you fall out of your perfect headstand. So everyone will know it was you. On top of that, the alternative girl with the pink hair that you really admire is in your yoga class, and she’s not going to ask you to see Father John Misty with her if she has to witness such an epic collapse. So no yoga. I don’t make the horoscopes, I just get them from the universe, you know? Tough luck.
Scorpio – You are going to get really into How to Get Away With Murder. Whether this is a good or bad thing is up to you, but let me just say that Viola Davis is a revelation. This is all just to say that you shouldn’t be too ambitious with your course load this semester. Netflix is calling.
Sagittarius – Pack your bags! You’re going on a trip! To Target. You really need new towels, and maybe some lotion. Fun!
Capricorn – It’s your lucky month! The planets have aligned in your quadrant, so expect big things in February. You’ll take monumental steps forward at work, and your crush is going to ask you out! Just kidding. Haha. This is a realistic horoscope, remember? You’ll find $10 under your couch.
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