Most people nowadays use their phones as crutches to avoid uncomfortable social situations. I could have done this too, as I tried to fill the few empty moments before class started, but instead I opted for a more antiquated approach: reading the tiny lettering on my snazzy mechanical pencil. In white font read “ComfortMate ULTRA™,” and I was left wondering… was that also the name of a condom brand? ULTRA just called to mind the image of a man that thinks he needs an ultra-mega-triple-plus condom when he simply… doesn’t. Or maybe it sounded like a sneaker style… comfortable kicks with an ultra cool *insert whatever sneaker-loving people say* flare.
I now invite you to see if you can tell the difference by playing my new favorite game: “Pen, Sneaker, or Condom?”
1. EasyTouch
a) Oh this is a sneaker that boasts “light-tread” technology. With these, you’ll barely leave any footprints and you won’t damage your precious knee cartilage.
b) It’s totally a pen with a squishy grip. Just the way I like it. High squish factor.
c) C’mon guys! It’s obviously a condom that claims to be “barely there.”
d) None of the three. It’s a new version of Life Alert to be released by Apple in late 2018.
2. FriXion
a) I love friction in the sheets. That’s totally a condom.
b) My friend can run up a wall in these shoes. It’s definitely a sneaker.
c) I am a renowned author in the making. Too much friction on the page stunts my workflow. It’s a pen.
d) None of the three. This is actually a high octane fuel used in steamships. I’m sure of it.
3. L.
a) I know that if this weren’t typed, that “L” would be in cursive, because it’s clearly a pen.
b) “L” is a new line of shoes by Lebron James. He’s branching out into the women’s sneaker market.
c) If you know anything about this life, it’s that “L” stands for lubrication. It’s definitely a condom.
d) None of the above. “L.” is actually the villain of a new Pretty Little Liars spin-off. L is the new A.
4. Zebra Z-Mulsion
a) This is one of those funky-ass, animal-print condoms that no one uses. (Except me, every time).
b) I swear I know what emulsion is… something grainy… um, is it a pen?
c) Definitely zebra print sneakers!! Doesn’t Brown have a club for that?
d) Nope guys! This is actually the experience of seeing a zebra for the very first time.
5. Velocity
a) I’m 100% confident that it’s a high-velocity condom for a high-velocity penis.
b) I’m an English major that writes at the speed of light. It’s a sleek ballpoint pen.
c) I’m the all-star of Running Club and I know for a fact that this is a sneaker.
d) None of the above. I’m STEM concentrator and I know for a fact that the definition is the speed of something in a given direction.
6. TS Lightswitch Gil II Zero
a) Oh oh oh! This is one of those glow-in-the-dark condoms.
b. Inspired by T.S. Eliot, who had a deep love of lights and fish gills, this is undoubtedly a pen.
c) Light-up sneakers for adults a.k.a. my dream shoe!!
d) No, no, no. This is a power-up you can get in the game Halo.
7. Slider Stride
a) The city is my empire as I be striding down the sidewalk in these sneakers.
b) My pen strides down the page as I take notes in Principles of Econ.
c) Let’s just say I slide and glide. Totes a condom.
d) Y’all are fools. This sounds like a bunch of mini cheeseburgers you get at a sports bar.
8. Zoom Talaria
a) This is a Bic pen! I bought it at the beginning of the school year, along with a notebook covered in anatomically correct honey bees (nothing like this).
b) On the track team, people call me “Zoom” because of these sneakers.
c) This is an impressive condom that offers speed and pleasure. Perfect for a protected quickie.
d) All wrong. This is actually the name of a trendy NYC restaurant that opened this year. They have sushi and garlic knots.
9. Lelo Hex
a) Not to be confused with Lilo & Stitch’s juvenile style, these sneakers are fierce and very adult.
b) I know these are condoms made by witches. Each one comes with a specific hex!! The last one I bought made my partner turn into Steve Buscemi.
c) This is one of the most expensive pens in the world. It’s made from cat venom. (Yes, cats).
d) No you fools!! This is the cousin of Sith Lord Palpatine in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
Answer Key: 1) Pen 2) Pen 3) Condom 4) Pen 5) Shoe 6) Shoe 7) Pen 8) Shoe 9) Condom
Illustration by Caroline Zerilli.