It’s a common affliction for the modern college student: procrastination, that self-sabotaging mind game of avoidance, excuses, and more often than not, falling into the infinite abyss of “suggested videos” on YouTube. We’ve all neglected our teacher’s warning that “this isn’t an assignment you can do the night before” by doing the assignment the night before. We’ve all told ourselves–tomorrow, I’ll definitely start this tomorrow. And we’ve all stared blankly at a wall, our eyes glazed over and bewildered, paralyzed by poor time management and looming deadlines, thinking “my god, what have I done to myself!!??”
…Or is that just me?
When people talk about procrastinating, it comes off in a self-deprecating way, like it’s an endearing character trait that usually involves one too many cat videos or a mini Netflix binge. Not to say that this type of procrastinating isn’t valid–it’s just that I’m pretty sure I have a serious genetic predisposition to putting off work. I’ve learned the language of justification from my dad (i.e.: “after dinner,” “I just need to brainstorm more,” and the always classic implementation of the passive voice, as in “it will get done”). My mom’s procrastination methods are chiefly “finding snacks” and “HGTV,” which are also mine, so it’s safe to say it runs in the family.
The first step in a situation such as this is admitting you have a problem. The second step is making a log of all the idleness you experience when you should be doing work to shame yourself into reforming your habits. So for all the times my mind wandered, my Facebook feed refreshed and my thumbs (metaphorically) twiddled, I noted where my wasted time was spent in the hope that I could learn to overcome this plague of inactivity.
I suppose it’s also a “how to” guide, as I’m pretty much an expert on this. So if you’re looking for methods of evasion and flimsy pretexts for laziness, you’ve also come to the right place. (And hey, I’m not judging).
THE SCENE: Arnold Lounge, just before 8 PM on a quiet Wednesday night
THE TASK: Political Science, Classics and MCM papers with conveniently coinciding deadlines! Just my luck!!!
7:55: Immediately procrastinate by finding an old Classics handout on which to document my procrastination.
7:56: A Spotify ad for a weird “In Bloom” cover plays, leading to fond reflection on listening to Nirvana for the first time because the cute guy in my Rope Climbing class at sleep away camp had a Nirvana t-shirt, which meant to me that they had to be cool. Briefly wonder if this clashes with my feminist identity.
7:59: Stare at left hand (which is covered in orange paint) and feel like a real artist. Realize I am not a real artist and just someone who should wash her hands.
8:03: Become overwhelmed by Poli Sci and decide to let my ideas “ruminate” so that I can cultivate carefully constructed arguments later (keyword: later). Put it aside and opt for Classics, convincing myself that I’m not really procrastinating this way. (But oh, I am).
8:07: Stare at the green light of my laptop charger. Feel like Gatsby. Remember that I actually have to read Gatsby tonight too.
8:16: Congratulate self for finishing one paragraph. Think—how hard can this be??
8:22: Cough and hope that I don’t have tonsillitis again. Contemplate implications of contracting a disease and the potential for extensions. Chastise self for entertaining this thought.
8:25: Write “[whatever date!]” into my paper because I am too lazy to actually look it up.
8:26: Look it up.
8:38: Take a break to meet with friends and get a cookie. I don’t deserve the cookie, yet I eat it in five swift bites. I don’t feel bad about it.
9:28: Having just written two more paragraphs, I decide that I can write this paper all tonight!!! Productivity feels so good, maybe I’m deluding myself with all of this procrastination nonsense. My fingers are racing nimbly over the keyboard. My mind is filled with beautiful prose, waiting to be spilled forth onto Microsoft Word. My own competence impresses me. I am the master of my destiny. I am in control. I am a machine.
9:29: lol yeah right
9:57: Become paralyzed by the thought of doing more work yet again. Tell myself that in three minutes I will get back to the grind. Maybe four, just to be even. Five? Okay, now I’m being overindulgent. Stare at the three documents open on my desktop. It’s a mess! They are all in different fonts! It’s aesthetically horrendous! How can I work like this??
9:58: Watch two Tasty videos, and also read three clickbait articles, and also stalk an undisclosed number of people on Facebook.
10:09: Re-seize the day/evening. Spend too much time on Thesaurus.com, but decide that this seems productive enough. Take deep breaths, repeat positive affirmations and forge on.
From then on, I lost track of what I let distract me. Miraculously, I actually wrote enough to not feel bad about myself on the walk back to my dorm later that night. But then of course I procrastinated going to bed by browsing the Internet and cleaning my room indiscriminately shoving things into drawers.
Whatever. I’ll work on self-improvement another time.
Author Note: The procrastinator in question would like to let the record show that she in fact procrastinated writing this very article by spending too much time refining a Spotify playlist. Her tunes are on point but nonetheless, she is ashamed. Please send help ASAP.
Image via Sarah Clapp.