Picture it: late this Sunday night, you’re sitting on your couch like the sweat stain you are. The beer buzz is wearing off, and those quirked-up white boys you hang with have finally cleared out, leaving a trail of crushed cans and chicken bones in their wake. Another epic Super Bowl has come and gone…
… and it’ll be Valentine’s Day in two hours.
Don’t panic! Do not panic, straight men of America. You are in luck. It’s Euphoria o’clock and your girl is still busy scrubbing glitter from her eyelids, buying you some much-needed time to code-switch. That’s right, you have until Maddie shanks Cassie to figure out how to repurpose your Game Day decor for some Game Day decor – but don’t sweat it, we’re here to help.
First, some good news: no need to worry about changing outfits, because the Joe Burrow jersey stays on. Winnie-the-Pooh it, throw on a chain, and start puffing on a cigar Churchill-style if you really want to dress to impress.
Next, the food. Don’t be too quick to toss those leftovers! If your S/O is a bit alternative, arrange those chicken bones into a sweet, macabre heart. Then, collect all that residual buffalo sauce and try re-purposing it as lube! If that’s too spicy, ranch works, too. And keep that pizza box for some V-Day roleplay! Did someone order extra sausage? Yeah? OK, well, does mushroom work? Hello?
Need a more definitive show of your affection? Gather some half-drained beer bottles and arrange them by fullness to make a warm, wet xylophone. Yeasty! For mallets, just nab two of your knock-off puff bars, and you’ve got yourself the perfect set-up for a serenade. Wiiiiissseeee meeeeeennnn ssaaaaayyyy……..
Touchdown! Oh, baby, you’re ready for that clock to strike midnight. No need for a flashy gift, she has pregamed her Valentine’s Day expectations by watching Nate Jacobs mope around L.A. for an hour. The bar is on the floor – score!
Image via. Zara Norman