by Kayla Kirk
Ah, winter break! A time for relaxing, reading, sleeping, and undergoing oral surgery. That’s right, folks; I crossed the painful threshold to dental adulthood this January, and it was both mouth-opening and eye-opening.
Some of you who still have your vestigial molars might be trapped in the world’s least fun game of limbo, wondering, “Do I get my wisdom teeth removed or not?” Limbo no longer, because I’ve created a helpful Pros and Cons list for this procedure.
Con: Your anesthetic might make you spill your darkest secrets.
Probably to a close family member who really doesn’t need to know what you did with their toothbrush last summer. Not to mention the risk associated with having a hot oral surgeon! Loopy uncensored flirtation could make your follow-up visit very awkward.
Pro: You have an excuse for not going out.
Don’t want to hang out with that terrible girl from high school? Your recent surgery is a surefire way to get out of “doing lunch.” Got some Netflix to catch up on? Binge watch the pain away! Take this opportunity now, because when you’re not recovering from surgery you’re “lazy” and “the reason aliens won’t contact earth.” This is also a great time to experiment with chamber pots and bedsore prevention!
Con: You will look terrible.
You will look like the result of a FatBooth app edit. You will pretend to take it in stride, so people will assume your contorted expression is the result of laughter rather than sobs of self loathing. They will be wrong.
Pro: Your self-esteem will skyrocket when your face goes back to normal.
Sure, for a few days your appearance will be reminiscent of Raven Symone’s in the That’s So Raven food allergy episode, but after you ice that bad boy back to health, adoring admirers will come a’running. Your ugliest day with an un-swollen face is still smokin’ hot compared to the puffy cheek era, so don’t be afraid to use your natural beauty as a weapon of mass seduction.
Con: Pain and suffering.
How can I describe the agony? Have you ever been kicked in the face by a Rhenish German Coldblood horse? Me neither, but it sounds awful.
Pro: Do you need attention?
Then this surgery is for you! It’s perfect, because it’s not too serious — just serious enough that your friends might bring you Ben and Jerry’s. This is a great way to tell who really cares about you and who’s been a neglectful friend lately, Julia.
Con: No delicious foods for a while.
Sure, that first Wendy’s frosty hits the spot, but you can’t maintain the liquid diet forever. No matter how good your last meal before the surgery is (lookin’ at you, Applebee’s mozzarella sticks and boneless wings), it will not make your food FOMO any easier.
Pro: Great social media content.
If you’re like me, you recognize the opportunity to become a post-op internet sensation. I’m proud to say that I was charmingly hilarious as my drugs wore off, despite the doctor’s insistence that it “wasn’t laughing gas” and that I was “not high.” (Whatever.) This could bring you fame and fortune. You might go viral! Or you might get a viral infection. Take the risk.
It may seem like I glamorized the harsh reality of wisdom teeth removal, but that’s exactly what I did. God, I almost feel wistful for the days when I was wiser and four teeth heavier. I can’t go back to that life, but I can encourage others to get this surgery. It’s a great alternative to a fun vacation, rewarding job, or really any other cool thing your friends are doing!
Image via and Kayla Kirk.
One thought on “Pull or Pass: Wisdom Teeth Pros and Cons”