Perched atop College Hill, we here at Brown University pride ourselves on our liberal approach to learning and academia. We don’t just offer the typical letter grade option—ugh, way too mainstream. No, with the New Curriculum, more alternative Brown students (i.e. the ten people in front of you in line at the Blue Room with cuffed jeans and quirky socks) can take any course for the alternative grade option, Satisfactory/No Credit (S/NC).
But I’ve been feeling a little restricted by this grading binary lately. Aren’t grades a social construct anyway? For this reason, I propose the New New Curriculum: the Fight Your Professor Policy.
I know that we all pretend to be above grades and claim to attend Brown because “we love learning,” or whatever. But I’m not ashamed to admit that at the end of the day, I’d like to see an A on my report card. The only problem with attending a school with an acceptance rate lower than the fat percentage of the bag of Cheetos I just ate is that it’s hard to get an A with so many smart kids to compete against. Now I would never suggest fighting another student. This isn’t an honor thing about respecting your competition or anything like that; it’s just that they don’t have the power to change your grade. This is why you have to fight your professor.
Look, I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes—the first rule of Professor Fight Club is you do not talk about Professor Fight Club. Traditionally, physical brawls with professors have been a part of the underground culture in Providence. However, at Brown University, safety is our highest priority, and regulating professor-student fights could benefit our school’s overall health. For example, the university knows students will drink alcohol, so rather than trying to stop students from drinking, the university has Emergency Medical Services (EMS) to help students drink safely. Similarly, the administration knows that professor-student brawls will happen (I mean, just look at C-Pax, you know she literally fought her way to the top), they just want to promote safety and regulate fights to improve student health.
Let me be clear: This is not a fight to the death. It’s not that I’m particularly against brutality, it’s just that your professor needs to be conscious enough to change your grade on Canvas after you win. Duh.
A couple of pathetic losers came up to me and asked, “Hey Allie, doesn’t this new policy detract from the validity of letter grades if the grades are earned by fighting rather than academic prowess?” I take pity on these ignorant weaklings because they clearly haven’t explored the academic side of fighting professors. Didn’t they hear that our personal librarians are now also personal trainers? Have they not been to the 14th floor of the SciLi lately and seen that it has been converted into a dojo? We even had to expand the Dewey Decimal System to include academic fight preparation. The stacks are lined with several volumes on the history of Professor Fight Club, encyclopedias detailing fight strategy, and cook books with recipes for the most effective protein shakes.
For the sake of liberal learning, I implore you to join me on my quest to instate the New New Curriculum. It’s time to grab your backpack and brass knuckles and head off to class.
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