It’s not your average citizen who contributes to the review section on Amazon. They are enigmas, from another dimension, with endless free time and perplexing opinions on the strangest products. Some are artists, practicing their craft until they create a masterpiece: a comment so witty that it rises to the top of the list, with thousands of other eager internet-users praising them with the “helpful” button. Another elite league of individuals: wine snobs! Maddeningly sophisticated and well-dressed, they sip out of crystal goblets with their pretentious little pinkies pointed up. With each sip of fermented smashed grapes, they find another esoteric word to use to describe its flavor, resulting in a bizarre description of the tastes encountered. What if these two worlds collided? What if wine snobs saw an opportunity to expand their horizons? Prepare for the infiltration of Amazon.com, as they move beyond wine to leave their unsolicited, adjective-overloaded opinions about some of the oft-reviewed items available on the world wide web.
BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen:
Using this pen was like a breath of fresh air. So light, so simple, so sweet: just what one expects from a “for her” pen. The package includes a complex array of colors—a buttery yellow, a fleshy pink, a juicy blue—each one delighting the eyes with a tart suggestion of sparkles. Putting pen to paper yields a smooth, piercing line, which lingers even after one sets the pen down. Ideal for doodling hearts and flowers in the margins of a notebook.
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer:
This is an aggressive product that really makes a powerful first impact. The brilliant yellow plastic feels firm and expensive, like a freshly botoxed face. A very forceful kitchen gadget that allows you to slice through supple bananas with more precision than a steely, scalpel-wielding surgeon. The fragrance of this slicer is subtle, but after using it a few times, you should pick up on some fruity, yeasty odors. Perfect for parties, as the undulating shape and sharp slats inspire passionate debates about functionality and the purpose of life. Does not pair well with anything but bananas.
Tuscan Whole Milk:
From the first sip, I was immediately hit by the barnyard tones in this beverage. A second sip—and plenty of swirling, gargling, and spitting—and the creamy boldness really began to pack a punch. The “whole” in this milk does live up to its name, so the fatty flavors may be too intense for those who are used to a leaner “skim” milk. More refined milk-drinkers will appreciate the hints of bright, bovine essences attacking the tongue like a bull in a china shop. Pairs nicely with artisan-made cookies. Do not leave a glass of this for Santa, as the smoky charcoal aftertaste may inspire him to leave you coal instead of presents.
Wolf Magic:
One word to describe this CD: harmonious. The sounds of gentle melodies mixing with the raw cries of a lone wolf cause a sharp tingling in the ear. Each song is a journey, complex and powerful, yet understated and humble. Much like me. For a more enriching experience, listen to the entire potent playlist on repeat while sitting in a peaceful wooded area. This will open your heart to the meatier, more animalistic sounds, and will allow you to tune into the earthy, sulfuric vibes that you otherwise might miss. Be cautious when pairing these songs with the Twilight movies, as the combination may cause you to transform into a wolf.
