Princesses at Brunch

SNOW WHITE: Can we get another round of Bloody Marys please? Thanks. Ugh you guys I just can’t right now. My parents kicked me out.

RAPUNZEL: No! What happened?

SNOW WHITE: Well they said now that I’m sixteen I’m “well past marrying age” and “fated by dark forces to die alone” and “too old to be living in their basement.” [Makes dramatic air quotes with her fingers]

ARIEL: So where are you staying?

SNOW WHITE: Well I found an apartment on Craigslist but my new roommates are like seven guys, and I can’t really afford the rent because all I know how to do is needlework and recitation of Latin scripture, and those fields aren’t super great right now in terms of, like, employment. So instead of paying rent they said I could do their dishes for them and sweep their house and stuff. I don’t know, you guys, it kind of sucks.

[Princesses all nod in sympathy, and some reach out to clutch Snow White’s hand]

SNOW WHITE: Sorry to bring everyone down. Cinderella, what did you do last night after we lost you at that party?

CINDERELLA: Yeah… I don’t remember it super well. I’m pretty sure I lost a shoe?

[Princesses laugh]

I think I hooked up with this cute guy, but I had to leave around midnight so my dress didn’t turn to rags and all my servants didn’t go back to being animals. You know how it is. [Shrugs good-naturedly]

BELLE: Guys, I think I might have a thing for the Beast.

ARIEL: Who?

BELLE: Remember? That guy I agreed to live with so that he’d let my dad out of his dungeon? Yeah he’s kind of a dick, but I think I might kind of like him. He sort of has a sensitive side, you know?

ARIEL: Belle, you always go for the worst guys!

[Princesses all nod in agreement]

BELLE: I know, I know. But I just feel like there’s something sweet… and almost kind.

ARIEL: But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined!

BELLE: And now he’s dear and so unsure…I wonder why I didn’t see it there before. [Stands and sweeps out her arms, knocking over several Bloody Mary glasses]

New and a bit alarming, who’d have ever thought that this could be? True, that he’s no Prince Charming… But there’s something in him that I simply didn’t see!

RAPUNZEL: I guess I get it, he’s kind of hot in a rugged way.

SNOW WHITE: Rapunzel, you think everyone’s hot.

RAPUNZEL: Yeah well when you live by yourself in a tower for your whole life, you get kind of desperate. I actually tried to build a man out of my hair yesterday.

SNOW WHITE: Ew!

ARIEL: And how did that work out?

RAPUNZEL: …not very well. [sighs]

SNOW WHITE: Yeah, well, you’re not missing much. Living with seven guys is literally the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to do. More disgusting than chamber pots.

[Princesses all nod in agreement]

ARIEL: [Leaning in] Guys, I think I might be having second thoughts about Eric.

ALL: Noooo! Why?

ARIEL: Well, imagine a guy liking you only for your legs and your seashell bra. Even now that I can talk again, I still feel like that’s all he likes about me. He doesn’t get any of my ocean-related humor! Plus I’m really homesick. I just really miss the feeling of waves and salt in my hair, all six of my sisters, my incredibly controlling and aggressive father, and especially my talking fish and crab companions! They were my only true friends! Well, besides you guys of course. [Smiles, picks up fork, and begins to sadly comb hair]

RAPUNZEL: I can’t believe that! Your ocean jokes are so funny! That one about the albatross and the tuna? So good!

ARIEL: Thanks, Rapunzel.

RAPUNZEL: So what are you going to do? Are you going to stay with him?

ARIEL: I don’t know… he is quite a catch… I’m not sure I’ll be able to reel in anyone better!

[Princesses all laugh]

SNOW WHITE: What about you, Sleeping Beauty? Still waiting on Philip?

SLEEPING BEAUTY:

ARIEL: I guess that’s a yes?

SLEEPING BEAUTY:

RAPUNZEL: Anyway, don’t even get me started on my mother.

[Princesses all nod and chat in collective irritation about their mothers. Sleeping Beauty begins to snore]

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