Why beat around the bush? Pornhub isn’t working on Brown’s wifi.
At first, I thought this was a “me” thing. I thought some issue with my phone was barring my access to this beloved porn website, so I suffered in silence; but it came to my attention that this is a widespread phenomenon. Several Brown students have searched for the familiar website on Brown’s wifi, expecting to feel joy; but the joy didn’t come, and neither did they. Pornhub simply won’t load on Brown’s network, and it’s tearing our world apart.
I did not lie down and accept this turn of events. I did research and tried to problem-solve. I busted out the big guns and tried to get to the site on my laptop, but it was a lost cause. It became clear that Brown wifi is to blame. My phone data has taken a real hit because of this. How do I explain that to my family? How do I look my parents in the eyes and say that their hard-earned savings are being squandered because my university will no longer support my porn viewing?
And just what is my tuition used for if not access to masturbatory material? What is the Brown administration trying to prove here? Has Christina Paxson seen my porn searches? Is that it? She’s seen them and now she’s disappointed in me? Well joke’s on you, CPax! I’m still gonna search ‘em, just on another website.
Or is Brown trying to encourage me to use my imagination? Well, I won’t. I won’t do it, Brown! I’d sooner return to a basic Google search of “Zac Efron in 17 Again.” (What? That was his prime. Back off.) I will get creative, but I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle, so imagination? That, I cannot do.
Is Brown punishing us? Or is this a really well-planned April Fool’s day prank? Is it a test of students’ commitment to activism? If you thought we were social justice warriors before, see what happens when you take away our porn.
Whatever the reason, I think it’s important that Brown warn prospective students about the Pornhub restriction. This is a serious missing resource, and it might affect college decisions.
The Pornhub block is especially painful because I, like many others, am a loyal fan. Pornhub has been my go-to site since the start of my porn-watching career. The circumstances have forced me to find a new provider, and it doesn’t seem right. I feel like I’m having an affair with Youporn while Pornhub watches, disappointed yet slightly aroused. If Youporn views spike, blame Brown University.
My world is in shambles. Now when I get high, what am I gonna do if not go on Pornhub? Weed without porn is like peanut butter without jelly, or lungs without oxygen. Or should I just stop smoking? Oh shit. Is this all about my drug use? Stop judging me, Brown!
And what’s next for blocking? If Pornhub has been banned, I can only imagine Google is next in line. I basically rely on both websites equally, so it’d make sense.
Students, don’t be afraid to speak out. We needn’t suffer in silence. Access to regulated, legal pornography is a basic American right for which we must fight.
