I think the obvious answer for the question “What is the best time for pizza?” is literally any time ever. Cheese and carbs is a combination that should not be limited to a certain time or place–it’s a downright shame that there’s no pizza at the Ratty for breakfast. Clearly somewhere along the way, humans decided that eating pizza at certain times of the day rather than others was a civilized sort of thing to do. So it comes down on our science-y analytic shoulders to sit down and consider, what really is the best time for pizza?
Pizza for breakfast? I’m not talking about those fancy-ass bacon-and-freshly-cracked-egg pizzas specifically intended to eat before your early morning coffee run. I’m talking about that slightly dry, cold fare that you pull out of the mini-fridge in the morning, where the oil has sort of sunk in to the cheese and hardened it. I know it sounds gross. But honestly, at 7 AM in the morning, the only thing that’s really gross is the prospect of having to go outside rather than stay in bed, and there’s certainly something incredibly satisfying about splurging on cold pizza for no other reason than because you can. 3/5
Pizza at dinner is the sort of average, we-all-do-it thing. It’s nothing special, simply because pizza is so freaking amazing that we do it all the time, so it’s lost some of its giddy delights. There’s no catch or surprise. It’s simply pizza. But “simply pizza” is about as close to heaven as I’m ever going to get with my track record. We’ll deduct a few points for lack of pizzazz. 2.5/5
Andrews Commons, Nice Slice, and Antonios have blessed us all with the prospect of late-night pizza, perfect for a study break snack. After a late night of homework, the only thing that could rival the pleasures of tossing a textbook in the trash, or flopping into bed, is a slice of hot, thin-crust pizza. Let’s just take a moment of silence to think that in all of the infinitely many parallel universes we could have ended up in, we all managed to win out the lottery and get this one, where we can soothe the late night pain of an essay that just won’t right itself with pizza. 4.5/5
And then there’s the post-drinking pizza. It’s got to be super cheesy and super oily, to add to the many bad decisions you’ve already made that night. But really, is there anything that rivals the amazingness of greasy pizza at times like these? I don’t think so. When you’ve sunken into the haze and heat of alcohol, what’s always there to carry you home, always dependable, always a comforting hand on your shoulder? That’s right. Pizza. And it doesn’t even have hands. 5/5
Hangover pizza. Everyone experiences hangovers a bit differently, so I could be dead wrong. But if you consider hangovers to be the lowest of the low, and pizza, by common knowledge, is the highest of the high—well, let’s just math the shit out of it, why don’t we? By taking a simple average between the lowest low and the highest high, we get 0—right about normal. Clearly, according to our science, pizza is the cure. Maybe a bit hard to get down during a hangover, but infinitely worth it at the end. 3/5
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