Dear Mr. Miranda,
Hey, Lin! First off, I just want to say that I love Hamilton. I anticipated its release last September, and it quickly became my go-to soundtrack. Here we are a year later and… Well, I’m sure you’re kind of busy, but I have a small favor to ask:
I need you to write a new musical so I will go to the gym.
It’s important that you understand that I am not asking you as a theatre kid. I am asking you as a concerned individual trying to lead a healthy lifestyle. When the Hamilton album dropped, I achieved a level of fitness beyond my wildest dreams. We all know “Guns and Ships” boasts 6.3 words per second, but do you have any idea how fast it allows me to go on the elliptical? Those were my glory days.
Now that I’ve listened to Hamilton approximately one million times, it doesn’t inspire the same rigorous workout, ya know? I’m looking for something fresh that can whip me into shape.
No pressure though! I understand that you can’t crank out a new Hamilton every day. Honestly, subject matter is of no importance. I don’t care if the next one’s a semi-autobiographical tale in which you are represented by a piece of fuzz named Lint-Manuel Miranda. I just need you to drop some sick beats that will lift my spirits while I lift weights!
I’m not asking for this because I need a new obsession. I truly have lots of Netflix to catch up on, plus some school work or whatever. I don’t have time to embrace a new musical masterpiece. But I’ve been hitting the mozz sticks hard and I need something I can use to lure myself to the gym.
You know the carrot and stick reward system used to make donkeys pull carts? Because I’m trying to move this ass.
I don’t need you to write another critically-acclaimed, universally loved show that will change musical theatre as we know it, so let’s not frame it that way. I am merely seeking a practical, functional soundtrack from which I cannot tear myself away, to the point where I’ll voluntarily do an extra set of crunches in order to keep listening.
When I say “I <3 Hamilton,” I don’t mean I love it – I mean that Hamilton directly affects my heart. It allowed me to strengthen my cardiovascular system, and for that, I am grateful. But it’s a new year, and I’m just trying to “Stay Alive” and not be “Helpless” by keeping off the Sophomore Seventeen (which is something I just made up but it sounds real, right?).
Who knows how this might affect us? If you write a good enough show, I could hit the gym hard and eventually become a triathlete! And I will thank you, Lin-Manuel Miranda, as I accept my first place medal.
Sincerely,
A Struggling Fan