Ah, Thanksgiving. A time for us all to continue to binge eat as we usually do – but with a valid excuse. A time for us to take a break from school or work in preparation for finals the end-of-year holidays. Plus, what’s more American than celebrating the erasure of Native Americans and other people of color by ignoring it all, watching a stupid, sexist sport, and avoiding a creepy uncle? Don’t get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving. It’s a sweet-ass deal. I get to eat all the food I want under the pretext of giving thanks. But as great as that is, I often feel like people focus too much on grand gestures for specific holidays instead of acting out certain feelings all year; i.e. your mom deserves a gratitude call and flowers way more often than just on Mother’s Day. So, in the name of honesty, here’s a list of how I really feel about the things I’m thankful for.
- Small breasts — Ah. What gratitude I feel for the tiny lumps on my chest. On the one hand, I consider bras optional, which is awesome. On the other hand, some tops will never fit me right. I no longer think it’s unattractive to not have boobs, although I do appreciate and often wish I had a large “rack.” I just feel like it’d be fun. Although, let me quote Shakira in saying “lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains.” That’d be unfortunate.
- Perfect friends — I am surrounded by people that are actually perfect. They are super smart, lead flawless lives, and are hella fit. I am a potato, only smart enough to know how to get 20% off at Bed Bath & Beyond every time, lead a mess of an existence, and am hella cute but in a very awkward way. But yes, my friends are amazing, and I’m thankful for them. Thanks, assholes, for being so cute it hurts.
- Finals — I’m just fucking with you. There’s no positive spin on this. The only thing I’m thankful for is that the semester will finally be over.
- Thanksgiving break — I’m thankful for three days (or more, because half of y’all are ditching class to catch that full week, don’t think I don’t see you!) of not seeing any of my close friends. For financial and syllabi-related reasons, I will be staying in Providence for the break. I am so glad I will be all by myself in the ever-so-lovely Perkins, without a home cooked meal or a drunk relative to laugh at.
- Everyone else having relationships — Thank you, couples. Thank you for rubbing your love in my face. Oh, you’ll miss each other during the break? Can’t live without each other for a week? That’s great! Thanks for the update! I needed that! I have so much romantic love in my life that I love to be surrounded by your tales of l’amour! Glad to hear you’re getting married. I’m thankful that I’ll be single until your kids have kids.
- Constipation — Thanks, digestive system. Thank you for not allowing natural things to happen even though I totally listened to my doctor and ate a shit-ton
(PUN NOT INTENDED BECAUSE I’M NOT POOPING) of raisin bran and prunes. I am thankful that I won’t even have room to eat too much at Thanksgiving. Guess I’ll save myself some calories—thanks! - Daylight savings— Thank you government (?) for Daylight Savings. Who needs the sun anyway? I now have an excuse to be truthful to my inner 80-year-old self and go to bed at 5pm. Thanks for my seasonal affective disorder and thanks for making me drop $ on a sun lamp.
- Showers and Soap — Thanks, Brown. Thank you for, after two, almost three weeks, finally placing knobs on the showers and soap in the restrooms in my dorm (Perkins, of course). I am, not surprisingly, really not into being disgusting. So thank you for allowing showers to happen again.
- Sense of humor — Finally, sense of humor.. Thank you. Making my pathetic life (and #firstworldproblem complaints) something I can laugh at is what I consider a true holiday miracle. Sometimes being thankful is just being thankful you’ve survived, even if life is total shit. So thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
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