As spring break approached amidst the cyclone of midterm exams and unseasonal snowstorms, I was sucked into conversation after conversation that followed this pattern:
Person: Are you going home for Spring Break?
Me: Yup
Person: So where’s home?
Me: Florida
Person: ~starts emitting high pitched squeals that only dogs can hear~
This is generally when I would walk away, leaving them to gush over Disney World, beautiful beaches, and warm weather.
It’s worrying how many people are ignorant to the plights of a native Floridian. They are blinded by images of sunshine and Mickey Mouse. Thus, I feel it is my obligation to, once and for all, shed light on the harsh realities of living in the dick of America.
1. It’s approximately ten times as hot as the surface of the sun
Often times, those who hail from states where it still snows in March express their envy at Florida’s weather ranging between 75-80 degrees year-round. While I have long since grown irritated at Providence’s single digit weather forecasts, I assure you Florida’s climate is very much not a walk in the park. There is no lounging by the pool drinking Piña Coladas and checking out lifeguards with golden skin that glistens with the perfect amount of sweat.
No, living in Floridian weather is going outside to get your mail and trying not to be blinded by the dripping sweat that’s accumulated on your forehead in the span of 10 seconds. My mom once heat up a slice of frozen pizza just by placing it on the dashboard of her car. The cheese was sizzling on that thing just 15 minutes later.
2. Floridians drink orange juice instead of water
All native Floridians are unable to digest water. Our bodies are made up of 75% freshly squeezed orange juice. Every restaurant from your local Taco Bell to the Melting Pot serves a tall glass of complimentary orange juice on the side. It’s very easy for us to get transfusions for surgical procedures, but it doesn’t pair very well with a Doritos Locos Taco.
3. Our Governor is Lord Voldemort (or some sort of snake hybrid)
An ongoing debate us Floridians never seem to resolve is whether Rick Scott resembles a scaly reptile or Lord Voldemort, who’s moved to the states after the seventh Harry Potter book.
You decide.
In 1997, good old Rick’s company took part in the largest Medicare fraud in history. Naturally, we reelected him.
4. Alligators are normal citizens
I tend to especially clarify this point because most people think I jest when I say alligators nonchalantly roam around the suburbs of Florida. No, it’s very much true! Alligators are just like you and me: tax paying and home owning citizens. They’re a bit more terrifying and murderous than your average Dick and Jane, but they even own memberships at your local golf clubs and can be seeing playing with other Floridian residents.
He looks peaceful.
5. We banned the phrase “climate change”
Rick didn’t take too well to being defeated by a near-sighted 17-year-old.
In conclusion, I’d find someplace else for next year’s family vacation.
