I did a lot of hard, scary things this summer. A list of examples: performed stand-up comedy at a club full of people on the same show as Emma Willmann and Jim Gaffigan (!!!), got lost a total of three times in one trip to Alphabet City from Morningside Heights via the New York City subway system, made the near-impossible decision to switch from Tinder to Bumble based on an exhaustive list of pros and cons.
But perhaps the most trying experience of my summer occurred on August 8, 2017.
On that fateful Tuesday at 1pm, I pulled into the parking lot of my local dentist’s office. As I settled into the reclining chair, blinded temporarily by the fluorescent light being swiveled to shine as directly as possible into my eyes, I could not have mentally prepared for the news I would soon be somberly receiving.
But first, a brief history of my teeth:
As a youth, my dentist assured me that I had “perfect teeth,” so “braces” was not a word ever uttered to me, nor my parents (who, even if that word had been uttered, would certainly have rejected the idea because they’re hippies who believe in as little bodily medical and dental intervention as possible).
Fifth grade rolled around, and every day a different classmate arrived at school with metal wiring gracing their teeth like delicate, shining mouth jewelry. Glow-in-the-dark retainers shed eerie light from inside prepubescent mouths, metal was adorned with vibrant neon rubber bands in a rainbow of hues (but NEVER yellow!!! as was discussed almost constantly), and lunchtime conversation strayed daily toward the topic of foods that none of my peers could eat. With my “perfect teeth,” I felt both incredibly lucky and very left out.
Imagine my shock, then, when on Tuesday, August 8, 2017, a new dentist sidled up to my chair and, after a quick evaluation, revealed that I. Need. Adult. Braces. Rinse-and-spit-take, amiright?? The complication that my old dentist had missed, this new dentist explained, was that while my teeth appear perfectly straight, my ENTIRE JAW is OUT OF ALIGNMENT.
Although this news was harder to swallow than a mouthful of saliva when someone is stabbing at your gums, the more I thought about it, the more it did start to make sense. My jaw does click and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies® every time I move it even slightly, and sometimes when I wake up there is a terrible moment when my jaw is locked open and I can’t close it. But I had just sort of decided that it would probably fix itself, plus that terror-induced adrenaline rush first thing in the morning really helps me leap out of bed.
I sat reeling in the dentist’s chair, just barely catching phrases like “will only get worse with age” and “the sooner you get them, the faster they’ll work.” “Just think about it,” my dentist concluded, and I took my baggie of floss and toothpaste and ran right out of there as fast as I could.
I am still undecided in Elizabeth’s Seminal Adult Braces Debate 2017. Let’s weigh the pros and cons:
Pros
- I will pop many fewer ibuprofens without having to worry about all those jaw-pain-induced headaches
- No more awakening to the deep fear that my jaw will never move again
- No more worrying about my jaw popping loudly in quiet spaces or right in friends’ ears when they give me hugs, which rly freaks ppl out apparently
- Invisalign is a thing now
Cons
- It has already proven essentially impossible for me to attract romantic suitors, and I have a feeling adult braces will not make things any easier
- I have very delicate gums? And braces seem painful?
- What if they make my voice sound weird when I talk?
- HOW will I DECIDE on band colors?? Yellow?? That’s okay, right???
I don’t know, after compiling that list I would say we’re still at an impasse here. But if you’re walking around campus and a set of bright, flashy rubber bands catches your eye, come give me a hug—I’ll probably need to be consoled. My jaw won’t even pop in your ear.
Image via Elizabeth McClellan