We’ve all been in the position of sitting next to a crying friend, wondering what exactly should be done to make her stop sobbing. Telling her to suck it up and deal? Ignoring her? Patting her head condescendingly? Personally, I wouldn’t recommend any of these techniques, but the proper method of comforting your friend definitely depends on what type of crier he or she is. And while we are all obviously unique snowflakes and have unique-snowflake cries, I think most of us fit into one of the categories outlined below:
The pretty crier: This is the friend who has it all. Sure, she faces hardships—hence the crying—but she’s also able to look like a calm, rational being even while expressing her sadness. Her face and eyes look exactly the same before, during, and after her crying-spell. She also probably has magical powers.
Recommended method of comfort: Comforting a pretty crier is fairly simple. Let her cry her delicate tears on your shoulder—she won’t get snot all over you, unlike other criers—and offer a few consoling words. Sympathetic shushing noises add a nice dramatic touch too, although they are unnecessary because the pretty crier makes virtually no noise. If your friend is hoping to get some sympathy from the rest of the world, be sure to remind her to rub her eyes a lot and blow her nose loudly to achieve the more widely recognized “I-just-cried” appearance.
The messy crier: Speaking from personal experience, most of us are messy criers. The messy crier isn’t afraid to let it all out. Her tears are flowing, her nose is running, and she’s making all sorts of noises: snuffles, snorts, whimpers, groans, wails. This crier always ends up with puffy eyes and a red nose, eliciting sympathetic glances from strangers for the remainder of the day.
Recommended method of comfort: Since this crier is loud, loud, loud, your soothing words won’t be heard and are therefore ineffective. Instead, I would recommend the scoop-and-cradle: hold her in your arms and rock gently until her tears subside. A large quantity of tissues is also a necessity, and you get bonus points for tenderly dabbing away the tears.
The doesn’t-cry crier: This is the stoic friend, the one who never cries, no matter how rough things get. Like when someone tragically dies in a movie, she just continues to calmly eat her popcorn. Or the Blue Room runs out of muffins and she’s all “Whatever” on you. And while “doesn’t cry” technically isn’t a type of crier, it’s still important to be there for this friend, too.
Recommended method of comfort: Since this friend doesn’t have emotional breakdowns, she doesn’t really need to be comforted in the traditional sense. However, if the situation calls for waterworks and she’s not providing them, it’s probably a good idea for you to do some crying for her. Trust me, it will be cathartic for both of you.
The single-tear crier: The single-tear crier is really just one step away from being a doesn’t-cry crier. She puts on a brave face, but suddenly a single tear rolls gracefully down her cheek. So poised, so elegant, so in control of her emotions! And be warned: thanks to Chris Pine’s recent single shimmering tear at the Oscars, this type of crying is on the rise.
Recommended method of comfort: The simplest of tears calls for the simplest of actions. Use your thumb to gently wipe away the tear. To show next-level dedication to your friend, maintain eye contact the entire time.
And just remember: when in doubt, hug it out!
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