ARIES March 21-April 19
It’s time for you to do to the unpleasant thing; the necessary thing. Like pulling off a band-aid, calling your parents, or being that guy who has to drink everything first to see if it’s poisoned, it’s high time you look at the horrid underbelly of the beast and see how the world works. Sometimes it’s easier to buy the burger than to wait for the cows to come home.
TAURUS April 20-May 20
Just as the sun sets in the west and rises in the east, you too are wildly predictable yet hot as a motherfucker. Love is on the rise this month, but keep out a wary eye. If someone flies too close to you, you’ll for sure have to fish their body out of the ocean.
GEMINI May 21-June 20
It should be smooth sailing in your career this month, as anonymity comes second-nature to bottomfeeders like you. Good luck trying to pry your lecherous lips from the boots you’re licking: you absolute Dirt Devil. With any success that may come your way, be sure to take a healthy shot of humility; in the darkest parts of the ocean, no one can see how ugly the fish are.
CANCER June 21-July 22
The third moon of Mercury just gave Venus a love tap, meaning that you’re due for a big change this month. Who knows what’ll happen; maybe you’ll make eye-contact with your crush, your dad will finally invite you to throw the ol’ pigskin around, or you’ll be able to make it through the self-checkout line without screwing something up and your whole station flashing like a beacon of shame.
LEO July 23-August 22
Stay strong Leos, it looks like you’re about to lose a family member. The hands of time are as unrelenting as they are heavy on the rocks, and sometimes it feels like the winners and losers in this charade we call life are decided by a drunken game of darts in the basement of Bob Barker. Many years from now you will see a man holding a falcon in the back of a smoky bar. That’s your family member.
VIRGO August 23-September 22
They say the first cut is the deepest, the third time’s the charm, and that another one bites the dust. Don’t listen to what they say this month; after all, in the end, its not like we only exist through the stories others tell of us. No one remembers that time Sharon was taken by the delusion that it was ok to bring a store-bought chicken and a 4-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade to the pot-luck. Of course they don’t.
LIBRA September 23-October 22
You’re smart and sexy this month—like Ben Franklin’s lightning rod, Nikola Tesla in a négligée, or Mark Zuckerberg with your eyes closed. Since you’re practically unstoppable, now’s a good time to buy a lottery ticket, to invest in the stock market, or to finally wear that shirt that your girlfriend bought you even though you think it makes your arms look weird.
SCORPIO October 23-November 21
As all of the space trash moves towards the sun, many things in your life will come to light this month. Sometimes the truth can be painful, like learning about Christopher Columbus, an extramarital affair, or the fact that dinosaur does not mean “terrible lizard”—Mitch McConnell does. Just remember that pain is a part of growth, and that hopefully means that Danny DeVito has lived a gentle life.
SAGITTARIUS November 22-December 21
You’re overdue for an adventure. Maybe its time for you to go out on the town, meet some new people, and see what it feels like to commit a hit-and-run. Life’s too short to spend it waiting for your copy of Reader’s Digest with bated breath and a place in your scrapbook. Spend it running from the lawman with a pistol at your hip and a much younger woman at your side.
CAPRICORN December 22-January 19
It looks like you’ve got a lot going on this month, but now more than ever is the time to take note of the little things. Unlike high school algebra, sometimes numbers mean something—like speed limits and expiration dates. Unlike the chicken or the egg, sometimes it matters who cums first.
AQUARIUS January 20-February 18
Troubles, trials, and tribulations are headed your way —better brush up on your SAT words. Even if this month feels like an Alanis Morissette fever dream where you’ve got one hand in your pocket and the other handcuffed to a speedboat on the River Styx, keep your head held high. When you’re holding on for dear life, at least you’re getting a hell of an arm workout.
PISCES February 19-March 20
Step away from the sirens’ songs, put on your sea legs one at a time like everybody else, and try to remember that you’re not that special. They say no two snowflakes are the same, but, c’mon now, who’s really looking? Even if you’re a needle in a haystack, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a prick.
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