It was a regular Thursday night for Brown University freshman Anita Getlaede. She had done exactly thirty seconds of reading that was already overdue, but she desperately needed a break. So, she opened Tinder and started swiping for the first time since she’d arrived in Providence.
She was shocked to find that the first profile she encountered was not a Brown University CS-Econ major but a RISD student named “Matt.” His profile wasn’t your typical straight-guy Tinder profile with the fishing photos and the badly lit mirror selfies to showcase his abs. No, his profile included a plethora of blurry polaroids, a closeup of his septum piercing, a photo of him smoking (so artistic and edgy), a badly lit mirror selfie of his abs (but this time it was an artistic choice), and a bio that cryptically read: “I am a rising moon child from Jupiter.”
In other words, “Matt” wasn’t like other boys. Getlaede described, “I was absolutely drooling. My ovaries clenched in eager anticipation. Was he a sculptor? A painter? I didn’t care. I saw that ‘Rhode Island School of Design’ in his bio and immediately swiped right.”
It was a match (!!!), so Getlaede turned off her phone and waited for him to message her, expecting proclamations of lust through obscure poetry quotations or recommendations of esoteric black-and-white foreign films to watch. “You remind me of <insert obscure figure from the Bauhaus movement here>,” she expected him to say, and was excited to Google his fascinating artistic references.
However, his first message to her was even more shocking than anything she could have imagined: “snap?”
“I was expecting dramatic declarations of passionate love and a desire to paint me nude, but instead he simply asked for my Snapchat like a normal guy? Where’s the tripping on shrooms at 4 a.m. through the streets of Providence or the sensual descriptions of his latest sculpture project or whatever it is that art students are supposed to do?” said Getlaede.
Still intrigued by “Matt” from RISD, Getlaede decided to give it a try. You never know, she thought to herself, maybe this has all been some elaborate performance art to make him seem like a normal horny 20-year-old. As she descended College Hill, her heart raced with excitement. She expected sexually-charged pottery-making or, at the very least, getting to be sketched.
However, upon arriving at the RISD dorms (which were anticlimactically normal-looking), he asked her “what the move was” and they ended up just watching The Godfather and making out.
“It turns out RISD students are people too, and, honestly, people are mid,” said a disappointed Getlaede.
Images via RISD and Adobe Stock.