Dear Men of Tinder,
I have, on the whole, been underwhelmed by your dating know-how in 2019. Over the past year, it has come to my attention that while you’re all “not like other guys,” you all have the literal exact same profile. I’d like to help you fine-tune your online personae this New Year, for your sake as well as mine.
Here, I have a short list of resolutions to get this new decade of ours off to a decent start. I hope these inspire you to take action, and among other things, delete that picture of you holding a dead fish you caught one time from your dating profile. Particularly that thing. Please.
1. 6”1- Cause I Guess That Matters…. ://
In 2019, I found that Men of Tinder over six foot felt the need to let me know about it BUT! only if it was followed by “cause I guess that matters…” TL;DR: YES you are a big strong Adonis big hunk man, but you’re ONLY mentioning it because my slutty ass asked for it.
In 2020, to clue people in on your height, why not instead post a picture of you getting something from a really high shelf? You could call Napoleon a beta in your bio, or show your feet hanging off the end of a single bed. Many options.
2. Disney Plus
Men of Tinder, SO many of you put “Oh, and I have Disney Plus” at the end of your bio. In 2020, instead, consider the fact that no one wants to watch The Mandalorian on your mom’s futon.
3. Bonus Points if You’re ___
You Men of Tinder filled this gap with categories I never fit into. What an oversight. I know you didn’t mean to miss out by putting ‘petite’ or ‘into anime’ in that space, so in 2020, let’s shoot for some broader categories!
- Bonus points if you’re scared of ear gauges
- Bonus points if you’re still unsure of what a vibe check is exactly
- Bonus points if you’re accidentally, very genuinely into asmr. It started ironically, but now I (I mean, you. Haha.) can’t fall asleep without it.
4. Fully Pushing Drugs
While, to a certain extent, I admire the hustle of a beanpole boy named ‘Trent’ trying to set me up with some mint juul pods, something just seems off. Your description of being a cuddler who studies Political Science :), when followed by several plug emojis, suggests to me that not only do you pee sitting down, but you get a rush out of it when you do.
5. Re-hashing Old Beef
I have a British flag in my Tinder bio. So naturally, in 2019, at least ten Men of Tinder messaged me (after my failure to respond to their captivating message of “hey”) just saying “fuck you, I’m glad we won the revolutionary war.” Very bold. Very weird flex. This New Year, let’s reflect on the fact that, back in the day, your skinny ass sure as hell would have faked an asthma attack and dodged the draft. Yeah, Ryan. You would’ve caught the common cold and died before seeing any action. Old habits die hard, I guess.
If you’ve read this far, good on you. I hope, Men of Tinder, you’ve found some food for thought. Let’s start this New Year the right way, together.
Oh, and also:
N o o n e c a r e s i f y o u c a n q u o t e t h e o f f i c e
Much love,
Zara xx
Image via.