New Brown Study Finds That the Bar Is At an All-Time Low

An annual study conducted by the university’s Title IX Office has found that now more than ever, the bar for men is at an all-time low. This finding was entirely unsurprising to students at Brown, a campus that is experiencing a resurgence in its movement to End Sexual Violence. “These findings were really just the latest in a centuries-old trend.” Lead researcher Camila Johnson (no relation to the vaccine) confirmed. “Much like hearing from the frat-star in your humanities section, there’s nothing we’re finding out today that we didn’t already know.”

We found a similar sentiment suppurating among students. “For me, it’s like… I hope he’s kind? And maybe he doesn’t assault me,” said third-year student and chronic heterosexual Sasha Yu. “I’m a little more picky,” Christine Short ’23 followed, “I just don’t want to be, like, abused? Or murdered, maybe.” A third student had a different perspective: “I recognise that I’m very privileged in my position,” Said senior Ian Torres, ‘21.5. “My boyfriend hasn’t exploited or manipulated me, not even a little. But I totally get that that may be an unrealistic standard for men on campus.”

The task force found that in order for a man to be considered ‘dateable’ to the modern College student, he only had to fulfil an ever-narrowing criteria:

[Communication from the Title IX Office, Official Researched Findings 2020-2021]

WHERE IS THE BAR SET?

  1. Kind (tabling this for now; seems greedy)
  2. Funny (? this isn’t a Kate Hudson movie, grow up)
  3. Emotionally Expressive (Awwww, you want that? You want that to be the bar? Well, I want a million dollars! And, and I want student loan debt forgiveness! And an in-person Spring Weekend before I graduate! Get real)
  4. Pulse (non-negotiable. 99.99% of researchers agree, just like the bacteria)
  5. Will not traumatise you (ok fine but we’re on thin fucking ice with this one)

Well, there you have it. New year, new ever-lowering standards! Your move, men.

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