An annual study conducted by the university’s Title IX Office has found that now more than ever, the bar for men is at an all-time low. This finding was entirely unsurprising to students at Brown, a campus that is experiencing a resurgence in its movement to End Sexual Violence. “These findings were really just the latest in a centuries-old trend.” Lead researcher Camila Johnson (no relation to the vaccine) confirmed. “Much like hearing from the frat-star in your humanities section, there’s nothing we’re finding out today that we didn’t already know.”
We found a similar sentiment suppurating among students. “For me, it’s like… I hope he’s kind? And maybe he doesn’t assault me,” said third-year student and chronic heterosexual Sasha Yu. “I’m a little more picky,” Christine Short ’23 followed, “I just don’t want to be, like, abused? Or murdered, maybe.” A third student had a different perspective: “I recognise that I’m very privileged in my position,” Said senior Ian Torres, ‘21.5. “My boyfriend hasn’t exploited or manipulated me, not even a little. But I totally get that that may be an unrealistic standard for men on campus.”
The task force found that in order for a man to be considered ‘dateable’ to the modern College student, he only had to fulfil an ever-narrowing criteria:
[Communication from the Title IX Office, Official Researched Findings 2020-2021]
WHERE IS THE BAR SET?
Kind(tabling this for now; seems greedy)Funny(? this isn’t a Kate Hudson movie, grow up)Emotionally Expressive(Awwww, you want that? You want that to be the bar? Well, I want a million dollars! And, and I want student loan debt forgiveness! And an in-person Spring Weekend before I graduate! Get real)- Pulse (non-negotiable. 99.99% of researchers agree, just like the bacteria)
- Will not traumatise you (ok fine but we’re on thin fucking ice with this one)
Well, there you have it. New year, new ever-lowering standards! Your move, men.
Image via.
So good as per usual.
Amazing