You’ve always been the youngest in your family. The shining star. Everyone would listen with bright eyes, oohing and ahhing as you detailed your various escapades and accolades. Until this year. Your dull cousin Frank has had a baby with his lovely wife and suddenly no one cares about your life at liberal arts school.
You watch as this toddler steals the crowd with her waddling and raspberry noises. She can only say one word but the family is abuzz. “The future! This is our future!” they cry. Lord help us. You take a swig of your secretly spiked lemonade. News so hard to stomach does not come every day: you are no longer the cool cousin.
Sound familiar?? Have no fear! Here are five ways to take back your rightful crown from that jammy-handed toddler.
Ask her a gotcha question
Babies are stupid. We all know this but we pretend we don’t. Remind everyone you’re the smart one this holiday season by asking her some hard questions. Quiz her on her knowledge of your family tree with questions like “who is your second cousin twice removed?”, or hit her with a hard one, “so do you think the Two-State Solution is dead or…?” If you’re feeling extra bold try something like, “yeah anyone can be against capitalism but what are you for??” and when she responds with something lame like “dada,” say something about complicity and the patriarchy and watch as the smile is wiped off her face.
Suggest something is wrong with her
While people are observing the baby, loudly compare the child’s features to those of possessed children in films. Say things like, “huh… six teeth. interesting,” or remark at how she always cries at church and isn’t that telling… Remind the family that you study public health in order to restate your authority over developmental matters, and when her parents are relating some milestone they consider precocious, change the mood by asking “is that normal?” This is a surefire way to sow insecurity among both the baby and your cousin.
Teach her fake names for holiday food items (dictators recommended)
When staring at the thanksgiving spread, point at items and whisper lies into her ears to incite confusion and embarrassment. Point to the mashed potatoes and whisper “Pol Pot” into her ear, or tell her that the delicious pie we eat is named for Stalin.
Change the subject to her father’s failures
Just because Frank now has a cute baby doesn’t mean Frank doesn’t suck. Remind the family of Frank’s shortcomings which raise questions about his ability to parent. Constantly bring up that one time Frank broke his nose on the sliding door in his own house, and loudly remark that you worry about his general incompetence and question his judgment on other matters.
Teach her incorrect math problems
Over hor d’oeuvres tell her that 2+2=7 and then at dessert, in front of everyone, ask her what 2 +2 is. Seem shocked and a little embarrassed for her parents when she answers. Doing this at the end of the evening will allow the family to remember your earlier questions regarding normalcy, and will certainly bring the attention back to you.
These five methods will prevent this child from supplanting you and your title of “Cool Cousin”, and will leave the whole family feeling more skeptical of Frank and his curly-haired spawn.
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