Fellas, just when you thought that your ladies were safe because Jacob Sartorius is off the market, there’s a new babe magnet in town (*Camera swivels away from me, cutting to the new hot stud.* Hey! Point that thing back this way. It’s me!)
So the big scoop is that I’m learning STATA (a software program that allows the user to interrogate and observe data sets through coded commands 😎) and from now on I will exclusively respond to the title Statty Daddy™. Call me by anything else and I will stare directly at you while eating hard boiled eggs in the Ratty.
Everyone on this campus ubiquitously knows that the ability to code is the equivalent of your resume slapping on a pair of clout glasses and tweeting ironically. Computer science concentrators are single-handedly the coolest, most socially adjusted, and hottest students at Brown, as made evident by their free t-shirts from career fairs and their blood-shot eyes gleaming with self-importance. Mama’s going to the Bank to cash! this! cultural! capital!
Me, a girl armed with the ability to summarize a variable, and my friends in the CS world (Maybe you know them? Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg), only came here for the binches and the drank. Speaking as a representative of the coding community, we are hot, you and your humanities degree are not, and furthermore I am here to make more money than you (which I will expeditiously channel into lobbying for tax breaks for the wealthy while presenting as apolitical or moderate. Sorry, people who aren’t me. Code or get bro’d, amirite Silicon Valley? ;D).
Beep beep, back it up because I think that got too real and the Statty Daddy (me) keeps things light and fun at all times. The Statty Daddy works hard, but plays harder, so let’s just go shoot some skee ball at Dave & Buster’s over a basket of honey BBQ wings and laugh like the world is ending. Haha, just kidding: It is! Let’s pretend it’s not by talking loudly about these craft beers and how many times we’ve spread our wings in the sprawling tech nest known as Andy van Dam’s mansion.
Oh golly gosh. Are you insecure about your relationship yet with a flaming hot Statty Daddy like me roaming campus with a laptop, a dream, and a lack of basic empathy for others? Oh yes, with every click of my keyboard and every glance out onto the horizon from the CIT balcony, I feel myself becoming more and more convinced that y’all are the min and I am the max. Statty Daddy is not an outlier to be disregarded, but rather, an unusual case to be studied. Plot these points I’m throwing at you and sketch the generalized curve: I’m here to steal your girl!
xoxox,
Statty Daddy
Image via Isabela Miñana Lovelace.